


Would You Marry Me?

by TheGirlWithBrightEyes



Series: Would You Marry Me [1]
Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Amusement Parks, Anxiety, Birthday Cake, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Character Development, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Tree, Christmas fair, Cold Hands, Coming of Age, Condoms, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dating, Dick Pics, Disney World & Disneyland, Domestic Fluff, Embracing Femininity, Emotional Roller Coaster, Engagement, Explicit Consent, Fireworks, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Frottage, Getting Together, Growing Up, Hand Jobs, Hugging, LGBTQ Themes, Lightshow, Literal Sleeping Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Men Crying, Moving In Together, Parades, Partnership, Post-Canon, Rings, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Inexperience, Shower Sex, Slice of Life, Social Anxiety, Socially Awkward Touya Akira, Teasing, Texting, Tokyo (City), Touching, engagement ring - Freeform, talking about sex, thigh job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 39,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26126974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlWithBrightEyes/pseuds/TheGirlWithBrightEyes
Summary: Touya Akira is afraid to lose Shindou Hikaru eventually, and proposes to him in hopes of keeping him. To his surprise, Shindou takes the whole thing a lot more serious than he'd intended, and they start walking the road to getting to know each other better.I tagged it Explicit to be on the safe side but all chapters with adult content have warnings for those who wish to skip them. <3 There are some adult themes but they are not the focus of the story.Note also that there's a lot of Japanese concepts in this story, so if you feel confused over what something is, feel free to ask. <3
Relationships: Shindou Hikaru/Touya Akira
Series: Would You Marry Me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075391
Comments: 202
Kudos: 105





	1. Love

**Author's Note:**

> I am doing my best to keep these two in character the whole time, but keep in mind that this is how I imagine them and their growth. :) 
> 
> First chapter is rather short but the next gets lengthier.

Shindou and Touya had been hired to the same event one winter, and had spent three days with lectures and quadruples and were on their way home on a Shinkansen. The train car was nearly empty with just a few middle aged men scattered about, snoozing or reading. Shindou and Touya sat side by side in silence and had done so for the last twenty minutes before Touya chose to speak.

"Shindou," he said quietly without looking at him.

"Mm?" Shindou cracked an eye open to glance at him, he was tired and had been half asleep almost since they boarded. Despite that he also must be tired, Touya was sitting straight as a poker with his hands on his knees, his gaze distant. It was clear he was deep in thought about something.

"Do you love me?" Shindou started violently out of his reverie and sat up straight, blushing furiously. Touya's tone of voice was quiet and thoughtful and now that Shindou was wide awake he noticed a slight frown on his face. It was a few moments before Shindou could get something out. He'd never thought of Touya in terms of love, although he had admitted long ago that he was slightly obsessed. Touya was like a drug to him. He could be absolutely furious with him and refuse to talk to him - but he'd still think about him all the time, and he would always return to him no matter what. He would find him wherever he was and run to him. The same could be said about Touya, although he tended to be a bit more honest about his feelings.

"I-I guess?" he managed, swallowing hard. He supposed obsession could count as a kind of love after all, because he absolutely refused to dub himself as Touya's fan. What he felt wasn't anything remotely like that - he didn't want to be Touya, he wanted to be _with_ him. There was a distinct difference there. He was his rival and his friend and he couldn't for the life of him get him out of his head. Touya nodded slowly.

"I love you, too," he said with much the same tone of voice. Shindou stared at him, torn between embarrassment and flattery. He licked his lips nervously, lips curling into a smile despite himself. Although he knew Touya was obsessed with him, too, having him confess to love him felt undeniably good.

"Yeah," Shindou murmured softly and saw to his satisfaction that Touya, too, was smiling.

"Have you thought about marriage?" Touya eventually said after another minute or two, when Shindou was able to relax slightly again. The question took him by surprise. He was seventeen, so it was still slightly too young to have considered it.

"Not really," he confessed. "It's years off, isn't it?" Touya raised his gaze slightly, looking even more distant.

"I suppose so..."he murmured. Frowning slightly, Shindou cocked his head and looked at him.

"You have?" he said carefully, the idea of Touya marrying someone revolting in his head. From the first time they'd met, Shindou had been insanely jealous of anyone getting Touya's time and attention and now that he had Touya's full focus he didn't feel like relinquishing it. Not to anyone.

"Yes," Touya said, Shindou's jealousy flaring up full force. He swallowed it down forcefully.

"Yeah?" he asked, not really wanting to know who or when he'd have competition about Touya's attention. Unexpectedly, Touya turned to him and Shindou gulped at the look in his eyes. There were ripples beneath the calm surface, and he effectively pinned Shindou down with his gaze. It was one of those things that he did that Shindou loved and hated in equal measure.

"If we could, would you marry me?" Touya said, Shindou's jealousy getting snuffed out like a candle leaving room for some enormous feeling he'd never felt before, swelling like a balloon in his chest. He stared at Touya with his jaw slack, the blush returning slowly by creeping up his neck and up his cheeks. As Touya looked away, Shindou realized he'd not been breathing and he exhaled. "You don't have to answer now," Touya said simply. "I can wait. I will always wait." Shindou's chock gave way for a mixed state where he on one hand would get to keep Touya and not share him with anyone, on the other he'd never even considered dating Touya, let alone marry him. He was startled out of his thoughts by the lady with the drinks trolley entered the train car, bowing before she slowly made her way toward them. Touya didn't move, but Shindou raised his hand to indicate that he wanted to buy something. He felt he really needed something caffeinated right now.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked Touya, who looked at him. Licking his lips, Shindou blushed and smiled a little. "I-I need to think about it. But I'll answer you soon, okay?" Touya nodded without taking his eyes off him and smiled slightly.

"Coffee, please," he said by way of answer and Shindou grinned, relieved that he'd bought himself a bit more time. He got up and got them two coffee off the trolley before it continued on, and they drunk in silence while Shindou mulled over the proposition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the interested: the word Touya is likely using for 'love' here is most likely 'suki' rather than 'ai' (Shindou would probably have really freaked out if he did since that word is seldom used and hold so much gravity).


	2. Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou mulls over what Touya wants from him, and asks for some help from a friend.

The biggest question about marrying Touya, as Shindou concluded over the next few days, was that he didn't know in what way Touya had meant the proposal. He'd certainly showed signs of obsession and possessiveness during Shindou's and his entire relationship, but there was a difference between jealously making sure you would be able to keep someone at your side - and marrying for love. Shindou had never considered his and Touya's relationship physical, although he could definitely get aroused when Touya made a particularly challenging move - or looked at him a certain way. Touya's eyes when he was playing him was so intense that Shindou usually avoided looking up during a game, since he'd had a couple of incidents where he'd felt a rush through his bloodstream as if he'd be able to come there and then. It was embarrassing enough for him to not meet Touya's eyes during a game. He'd never really reflected much over it until after the proposal, since that's what it was. A proposal. After it, he pretty much had to evaluate those feelings and figure out exactly what he himself would want out of a marriage to Touya.

After a few days of rather confused and a bit frustrating uncertainty, Shindou decided to ask Touya about it even if it was an uncomfortable subject. When arriving at the saloon, he got over to Touya but didn't sit down. They exchanged looks before Touya nodded and got up, clearly getting the unspoken message: we need to talk in private. Ichikawa was slightly startled to see them go so soon - they always stayed to play, and wasn't very happy with them leaving at once.

"I've been thinking about what you said," Shindou said slowly after they had walked in silence for a couple of blocks.

"You have decided then?" Touya asked carefully, and Shindou swallowed. When Touya had proposed he'd not seemed very emotional about it, but his tone was different now. He seemed slightly wary which made Shindou glad he wasn't about to refuse.

"Yeah," Shindou pulled his hands out of his pockets, palms sweaty. "If we could, I'd like to marry you," he said quietly, glancing at Touya to see him smile.

"I see," he said gently, the wariness giving way for happiness. He sounded so pleased it made Shindou's ears go warm.

"I-I wanted to ask something, though," he added quickly. Touya cocked his head, indicating that he was listening. "Do you...I mean, did you mean marriage as in just living together or more...physical than that?"

"I want to keep you," Touya said watching his feet rather than Shindou. "I don't want to live in uncertainty anymore. I don't want to be afraid to lose you." Shindou stopped, grasping Touya's arm as he did bringing him to a halt, too. Touya swallowed visibly and looked up, his face hard to read but he seemed pressured.

"You want to keep me," Shindou murmured and Touya nodded minutely. "You don't have to worry about that, Touya." Touya smiled but it was humourless. In fact, Shindou got the impression he was on the verge of tears.

"You're very impulsive, Shindou. And stubborn," he said delicately and Shindou made a face at that.

"I've been better the past couple of years though, haven't I?" Touya seemed to consider it, but nodded. He'd calmed down considerably since the first Hokuto Cup, as he no longer felt as threatened by Touya and other players. He'd finally been acknowledged and Touya had been there to cheer him up when he'd been crying over the loss. He hadn't thought less of him and hadn't chewed him out for losing.

"But about your question..."Touya finally said, looking a bit sadly at Shindou. "Would you still marry me if I offered a physical relationship in addition to what we already have?" Shindou shivered. So there was still that possibility on the table. He hadn't decided yet if he wanted that kind of relationship with Touya nor did he know for sure that Touya wanted it, either.

"I already said yes," Shindou deflected. "I'm not going to take that back." At that, he could feel a tremor go through Touya's body at the impact of those words. He hadn't realised how tense he was. "But I would like it if we dated a bit before we marry if you want that kind of relationship with me." Touya looked at him for several minutes, eyes flitting over his face down to the hand still holding on to his arm. Finally, he licked his lips and his cheeks turned slightly pink.

"Do you?" he whispered and Shindou's neck went hot. It felt like they were waltzing about each other, none of them wanting to take that final step. Shindou swallowed, thinking of just how much Touya's gaze could affect him, but still slightly scared of actually taking things that far even if they did marry.

"We can try if you want," he said nervously. "And if we decide that's not what we want..."Touya seemed to consider it and Shindou could feel him relax slightly. He smiled a little and released himself.

"Yes. We can do that," he agreed. "Dinner?"

Shindou and Touya usually took turns choosing a restaurant for dinner and this time it was Touya's turn. He surprised Shindou considerably by leading them to Shindou's favourite ramen restaurant, Kikanbo. As they entered, Shindou looked at Touya in wonder.

"Are you sure you want to eat here?" he asked quietly and Touya glanced back at him in a way that made his heart vault into his mouth. He felt sure he'd never looked at him that way before - he'd have remembered it: it was a sultry, challenging kind of sexy in a whole new flavour. He blushed and shut up. Apparently Touya considered the look enough of an answer, because he didn't say anything. Once they'd sat down, Shindou found himself feeling fidgety and a great deal nervous as he watched Touya read the menu.

"Look...Touya," he said, making his friend look up. He nearly lost courage from those eyes, but shrugged in an attempt to get rid of the discomfort. "My feelings for you are...a bit complicated," he said carefully. "You're such a big part of me, so I..."Touya nodded, his smile returning. It was soft.

"I know. I understand," he said with a gentleness Shindou wasn't accustomed to when it came to Touya. "I'm probably the only one that does." Shindou exhaled shakily at that and smiled, nodding slightly.

"Yeah. I think so, too," he said softly. "Did you decide yet?" They chatted mostly about Go during dinner, Touya - as always - eating quite a lot more in the evening than Shindou did since he didn't have lunch. They didn't touch the subject of feelings until they left the ramen restaurant almost an hour later. Stepping out in the darkened street only lit up by the many coloured lights from the restaurants and the dim light of streetlamps, Touya stopped and turned his eyes to the skies.

"I used to think about my feelings for you as complicated, too," Touya said, sighing slightly at the lack of stars. "But I think I've stopped thinking that way now." He dropped his gaze to smile at Shindou. "I came to the conclusion that I need you, and I think I always will." As they walked slowly toward the station, Shindou mulled over this. When they reached the station, Touya stopped and waited.

"I need you, too," Shindou admitted quietly. Touya didn't look surprised, instead he just nodded and turned slightly away from the station. Shindou huffed and smiled and they kept walking to the next station instead of taking the train. It was a quiet, unhurried walk and they didn't speak much. They just stopped once to get something hot to drink from a vending machine. When they reached the crossing where they needed to go separate ways, Touya did something that gave Shindou even more to think about. As they stopped to say goodbye, Touya stepped closer to Shindou than he'd ever done before. Close enough for Shindou to see a smattering of tiny freckles around his eyes despite the dark.

"I'll see you in a couple of days," Touya murmured. Shindou swallowed nervously.

"Yeah. I'll come to the saloon," he whispered then stilled as Touya lifted a hand and placed it in his neck. The touch was very light and he could easily break away should he want to, but he was frozen, his heart speeding up to beat faster than he could remember it doing since that very first real game he and Touya had. He looked at Touya feeling expectant somehow but unsure of what. After looking into his eyes for what felt like minutes, Touya leaned forward to place the softest of kisses on his cheek. Shindou shuddered and involuntarily lifted his arms to grasp Touya's jacket. His friend stilled, but when Shindou didn't push him away he pulled away to look at him. He had a slightly wild look in his eyes and seemed to be breathing a bit deeper. Shivering, Shindou released Touya's jacket with one hand and placed it very tentatively on his cheek. He was soft and warm.

"It's all right," he whispered and Touya exhaled shakily, closing his eyes and leaned ever so slightly into the touch even if Shindou felt sure his hands were cold. The hand in Shindou's neck twitched slightly before Touya withdrew it and Shindou did the same. Even though they'd barely touched, Shindou felt very overwhelmed. As Touya took a step back, he reluctantly let go.

"It's...your turn to choose where to have dinner next time," Touya said softly, clearly a bit shaken by the exchange even if he'd started it. Shindou nodded and smiled nervously.

"Yeah," he mumbled. "I'll make it good." Touya smiled at that and they parted, going separate ways. Shindou found his legs a bit wobbly on his way home, the kiss and the feel of Touya's cheek beneath his hand so distracting he nearly collided with a girl on a bicycle. Once he got back home, he felt restless and wished he had someone to talk to but didn't know who he could trust not to talk. After going through his friends, he'd come to the conclusion that was probably when having friends who were girls would come in handy. Shindou didn't have all that many female friends, though - only Nase and Akari, so there wasn't much to choose from.

Nase was easier to get hold daytime of than Akari, since she was a lower dan pro while Akari was in high school. She picked up after just a couple of signals when Shindou called her.

"Hello?" she answered uncertainly and he realised that he'd probably forgotten to give her his number.

"Hey, it's me - Shindou," he said by way of greeting, and she went 'oh' in recognition. "Am I calling at a bad time?"

" _No, no, not at all,_ " Nase said quickly, and he got the impression that she was on the move. " _It's so rare of you to call. Has something happened?_ " Shindou was a bit stumped by that. Something _had_ happened, and it was serious, but it wasn't exactly something like an accident.

"I just wondered if you've got time to see me. I kind of need some advice and I don't want anyone else to know about it yet. It's sort of secret," he said quietly, leaning back against a wall in his apartment.

" _Oh wow_ ," Nase managed. " _Sure, I've got time! Where are you? I just finished a job and I'm off for the rest of the day._ "

"I'm at home," Shindou drew a hand through his hair. "Closest station is Suidôbashi and the metro in Iidabashi," he muttered. "I live on the Chiyoda side."

" _Hmm..._ "Nase hummed. " _I'm near Yoyogi. Look, I'll call when I get off and we can meet somewhere._ "

"Thanks Nase, I owe you one," Shindou said, grateful that she'd offer to help.

" _You bet you do!_ " Nase said cheerfully. " _See you soon!_ "

When Nase entered Shindou's hall, her eyes went wide as she looked around.

"I totally expected a bachelors den just like Waya's," she admitted, eyeing the curtains, flowerpots and basket with indoor slippers. Shindou made a face.

"I'm not a slob," he protested. "Besides, I've got Touya. I can't bring him here if I lived like Waya." Nase raised her eyebrows at that and even more so as she was served tea from a large pump thermos standing on a tray on the floor.

"I guess you would bring Touya here," she mused. "So, you had a secret that you need some advice on?" she said without beating around the bush. Shindou, who would have wanted to delay a bit more, sat back with a frown.

"I'm...sort of getting married," he said quietly and Nase started so much she spilled tea over her lap. Shindou jumped up and got back with a box of tissues.

"You? Married? Already? And what do you mean about 'sort of'?" Nase spluttered as she mopped herself down, trying to dry the wet part of her skirt. Shindou blushed, fidgeting a bit.

"I guess it won't be until we're twenty, but yeah. I...uh...got proposed to and I said yes. And it's sort of because it's not really legal," he mumbled. "Not yet anyway." At that, Nase's eye brows shot up out of sight and she stared at him. He blushed even more and made sure she wasn't holding her tea. "It's Touya." Nase shut her mouth and he could see her take a few deep breaths to calm herself.

"Okay," she finally managed, though it was a bit weakly. "I-I get why this was such a big secret. So you're going to get married to Touya?" Shindou shrugged slightly uncomfortably.

"Yeah. Or register partnership, I suppose," he mumbled, fumbling with his cup. Nase licked her lips rather nervously looking slightly anxious, which hadn't been on his list of possible reactions.

"So, um, what do you need my advice for?" she asked carefully. Shindou sighed, feeling slightly frustrated.

"Because I'm an idiot," he said, clearly confusing her. "It's not that I don't want to marry Touya, I do, but our relationship is...complicated. I haven't really thought about what I feel for him before he asked and I'm trying to figure things out. He-he also agreed to date for a while before we actually get married but I haven't got a clue how you date someone. I need help." He looked at Nase feeling slightly desperate, and she had gone from anxious to understanding while he talked which was a great relief.

"All right. So you need some advice of the heart and how to date?" she said gently. Shindou sighed, feeling like a failure.

"I guess I do, yeah," he agreed feeling a bit helpless. "I mean, it's Touya so I don't think he expects much from me, but..."He sincerely hoped he misread Nase then, because she looked like she felt sorry for him.

"All right. Let's get basic. Is that all right?" she said, holding out her cup to get a refill. Shindou's ears went hot, but he nodded anyway. He felt ashamed of his ignorance which wouldn't be a first.

"Sure. Let's get this over with..."

When Nase left about an hour later - after swearing she'd not tell a soul or Shindou would refuse to let her join in on any of his study groups - Shindou felt a bit less panicky and a bit more educated. He still felt unsure about the physical aspects of a relationship and whether he wanted that with Touya, although after last time they'd met he admitted that his heart had run wild from having him so close. It was a feeling he was well-acquainted with by now - no one quite made his blood pump like Touya.

"Akira," he murmured, thinking about what Nase had said about starting out carefully by using each other's given names. After years of calling him Touya, the name Akira felt strange on his lips. It felt almost forbidden and, which was alarming, a bit arousing. Feeling awkward, Shindou felt heat start to pool between his legs from just saying the name and it frightened him slightly. Would he even be able to use the name in public? He shivered. "Akira," he said again, louder this time, and felt himself react. Images of Touya looking at him danced before his eyes. Feeling hot and nervous, Shindou decided to abandon the name saying until later, hoping he'd be able to use it when Touya was there without any embarrassing results.


	3. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou has planned his and Touya's first date.

When Thursday arrived, Shindou had worked himself up slightly over meeting Touya and found it difficult to focus at work. It was fine when he was playing, but he was slightly distracted between games and probably came off as slightly confused. It was difficult for people to disrespect him for it, though, since he was only seventeen and already 7-dan after the Oteai system had been dropped, but he felt sure some people wondered about him. He felt exhausted when he set off toward the saloon in Taitô, not too sure his plan today would work out. His body was much too set on the sexual aspects of the budding relationship he and Touya were trying to sketch out, and he didn't want it to ruin everything before it even begun. He felt sure Touya would still want to marry him, but he could very well draw a line that would make life difficult for Shindou now that he'd started having these thoughts.

Feeling worried and slightly ill, Shindou entered the saloon. To his dismay, Touya had not arrived yet and he sat down feeling weary with himself as Ichikawa served him a cup of coffee.

"Had a long day, Shindou-kun?" she asked as she put it down on his table. He gave her a small smile.

"Yeah, I feel like I could sleep for a week," he muttered, rubbing his face. "Did..."he paused, running his tongue over his teeth. "Did Akira say anything about being late today?" he asked her and she looked a bit surprised at the use of Touya's given name - even without a suffix.

"No, I don't think so," she said. "Hold on, I'll check." Shindou rested his chin in his hand, watching the empty Goban in front of him, thinking about what he'd say when Touya arrived. If he didn't show, it would make his evening slightly complicated.

"No, no notes," Ichikawa called from the reception desk, and Shindou nodded to himself. Every time the bell from the door chimed he looked up, but he'd waited nearly thirty minutes when Touya finally did show up. He was slightly out of breath and his hair was wet and he made a beeline for Shindou. He got up feeling slightly worried, and before he really thought about what he was doing he'd grasped Touya's shoulders. His friend's eyes widened.

"Are you all right?" he murmured and to his surprise Touya turned pink.

"I'm fine," he said gently. "I got caught in the rain and had to change clothes." He gazed at Shindou, who found himself unable to look away. Then Touya smiled, reaching out to lightly graze Shindou's cheek with his fingertips. "We're not alone, Shindou," he reminded him, snapping Shindou out of it. Shindou flushed and let him go, returning to his seat while Touya took off his jacket. His cheeks were still pink.

"We, um, have a booking at seven," Shindou mumbled quiet enough for only Touya to hear. His reaction was almost more than Shindou could handle right then, because his eyes got intense as the information excited him. He smiled happily.

"We'd better be done in time for that, then," he said. "Nigiri." Shindou felt slightly better after playing Touya, but his anxiety returned when they left the saloon.

"I take it we are not having ramen tonight?" Touya asked as they headed for the station and Shindou felt a bit bad - it was often ramen when it was his turn to choose. He shook his head, offering up a smile.

"No. We're going to Akasaka to visit Tenshige," he said, licking his lips nervously. "There's a tempura master there. I figured you' like that." Whatever Touya had expected, it wasn't this. His jaw dropped and he stared at Shindou, who felt his whole head go hot. "Not good?" he asked tentatively. Now it was Touya's turn to blush furiously.

"No, no, it's," he scrambled for something to say. "It's a _wonderful_ idea!" he managed, not quite sure what to do with himself. He was still in a bit of a shock when they entered the station, and Shindou had to steer him because he seemed slightly confused. Once they stood close by the doors, Touya caught Shindou's eyes. They were standing so close Shindou could feel his breath and smell the scent of the coffee he'd been drinking at the saloon.

"You really mean to do this properly," Touya mumbled, just loud enough for Shindou to hear.

"Of course I do," he murmured back. "It's the whole point of dating, isn't it?" Touya looked at him like he was torn between laughing and crying, but he nodded mutely instead and his free hand came up to take a light grasp on Shindou's jacket. He let him.

When they arrived at Tenshige, a few more customers were already seated along the table lining the kitchen where the chef worked. The sound of tempura frying merrily greeted them, and they sat down. Touya's face was slightly flushed from excitement and Shindou felt even more bad for usually taking him to fast food restaurants, if he got this excited at the prospect of very good food. Touya's mood improved even more once the first dish was served, because the tempura batter was so thin it almost looked like the chef had dipped the vegetables in glass. Everything was cooked to perfection, with a thin, crispy layer sheathing it. Shindou found it very hard to focus on the food, though, because Touya's happiness made him very distracting. He was all smiles and sparkling eyes, closing his eyes in bliss as he chewed, his appreciation of each dish bordering on ridiculous. He was so beautiful, something Shindou had never realised before.

When they left the restaurant, Touya was in a brilliant mood all the way back to their crossing. He was so bubbly and happy Shindou was in mild shock all the way, wondering why on Earth he'd never seen this side of him before. It was both charming and alarming at once, since it felt horribly out of character. It made him wonder if there were more sides of Touya he was yet to see and the memory of flashing eyes from the other day almost made him miss what Touya was saying as it sent a shock to his system.

When they reached their crossing, Touya immediately stepped forward to kiss Shindou's cheek, setting his nerves on fire. He fumbled nervously for Touya's hand, and Touya let him hold it without protests. He was still smiling so happily it made Shindou tear up himself.

"I had a wonderful evening," Touya told him, eyes sparkling in the light from the street lamps. "Thank you, Hikaru." Hearing Touya say his given name like that, beating him to it, sent a shock through Shindou's system that was so bad all he could do was gaze at him in abandon. Touya gently touched his cheek, smiling brilliantly before he slipped away with a new spring in his steps.

"Akira..."Shindou murmured at his retreating figure, squeezing his eyes shut as he realised that he was panting softly. When had Touya started becoming something that could affect him like this? Shivering, Shindou slowly turned and went his way, pressing a hand to his wildly beating heart. Something was happening to him that he had not accounted for when he suggested that he and Touya dated before getting married. He wondered if this was what it felt like to fall in love with someone, or whether he'd fallen in love long ago and these feelings had just been sleeping, waiting for the chance to surface.

He just prayed that it wasn't only him.


	4. Overwhelming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou is evaluating his feelings and he and Touya talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one. :)

The date at Tenshige had really upturned Shindou's world and he found it even more difficult to not think about Touya all the time, and not only in a Go-related way which was more than a little frustrating. He kept dreaming about Touya saying his given name and waking up sweaty and in a confused state of semi-arousal. Someone saying his name shouldn't be enough to make him feel this way.

When Shindou saw Touya next, it was at a study group they both attended - on Touya's request, since Shindou had not originally been a part of this particular study group. Touya kept throwing him little smiles and glancing at him, making Shindou increasingly nervous to the point where he had to get some fresh air. Hardly surprising, he was joined almost immediately by Touya.

"Akira," Shindou managed, setting of a satisfying blush turning Touya's usually pale cheeks pink. He didn't look like he minded though.

"Hikaru," he said softly, unknowingly echoing Shindou's dreams. He swallowed hard and reached out to him. Touya glanced back as if to check if the coast was clear, before he stepped in close enough for Shindou to caress his cheek very lightly.

"Please tell me it's not just me," Shindou whispered and Touya's eyes widened. He gazed at Shindou.

"What do you mean, Hikaru?" he said gently, and Shindou kept stroking his cheek with fingers that were starting to quiver.

"I just...feel so much right now," Shindou mumbled, dropping his gaze and his hand down. He sniffled. To his surprise, warm hands closed around the hand and he looked up, Touya's face a study of tenderness. Yet another expression he'd never seen on him.

"No, it's not just you," he murmured. "This past week has been..."Shindou laughed lightly, rubbing at his eyes. They were tearing up again.

"Yeah," he agreed, sniffling again. "I'm glad we're getting married." Touya's mouth twitched at that and he sighed, shaking his head with a light laughter that made Shindou feel warm despite the cold.

"Yes," he agreed, the sparkle back in his eyes. "Speaking of that... I was thinking about moving in together at some point," he said and Shindou's heart did a funny little thing where it tried to jump to his mouth.

"Yeah?" he managed weakly and Touya smiled.

"Perhaps we should discuss this where we have more privacy," Touya suggested. "Would you like to have sukiyaki with me tomorrow evening?" As far as Shindou was concerned, he'd have agreed even if the offer had been Cup Noodles, because the only thing more unbearable right now than to go think about Touya was to not have him near.

"Of course," he therefore agreed, wondering if he looked as pathetically besotted as he imagined he did. "If I'm free I'll always be up for seeing you, you know that." Touya blushed slightly.

"I know," he murmured. "I...feel the same way-" he cut himself off and dropped Shindou's hand, since the balcony door opened. One of the older pros stuck his head out.

"What are you doing out here? Come back in or you'll catch a cold," he rumbled at them before withdrawing back inside, and Shindou suddenly realised just how cold he'd been. Touya had at least had presence enough to put his jacket on.

"Tomorrow evening," Touya said, giving Shindou a slightly apologetic look.

"Yeah," Shindou agreed, rubbing his arms as they headed back inside. "I'll be there."


	5. Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya brings Shindou to a sukiyaki restaurant, and learns just how seriously Shindou really took his proposal.

The sukiyaki restaurant, while old and established with worn wooden tables, had a very different atmosphere from the tempura restaurant they had visited a few days earlier. There were square tables with folding walls for a little bit of privacy, but there were still plenty of low level noise with people talking and laughing along with the sizzle of food being cooked by each occupied table. Shindou had been at a few sukiyaki places before, but it had mostly been family outings rather than a date so they had just kept to the family menu. This time, however, he was there with Touya and they had all intentions to splurge a little and Touya spoiled him by ordering extra meat and udon. When they were brought in the trays of thinly sliced, perfectly marbled beef, raw eggs, vegetables and tofu, Shindou felt as if his heart was growing too large for his chest. True, he had spoiled Touya with the tempura restaurant, but he'd had no way of knowing that Touya fully intended to repay him. Let alone with the luxury of really good sukiyaki.

While Touya wasn't in culinary heaven like at the tempura restaurant, he genuinely seemed to enjoy himself and the food. He allowed Shindou to put things into the pot, but swatted him away when he tried to take anything out of it, favouring instead to serve him. The first couple of times Shindou blushed like the setting sun, but once he got over the initial shock he could appreciate Touya wanting to spoil him back by making sure everything was cooked properly before he attempted to eat it. They had a good time and a lot of laughs while eating and waiting for refills to cook, and although they constantly seemed to return to talking about Go they spoke of other things, too.

"We should probably get a bigger apartment," Touya had said once they'd ventured onto the subject of moving together. "We don't have that many things, but it will still get cramped with everything in either of our apartments right now."

"I guess so," Shindou agreed, leaning back to watch Touya put the last of the beef in the hot pot. "I guess you'll want some space, too. I mean, I've lived in a small house with my parents but you've always been able to be alone if you want to." Touya considered this, then nodded as he sat down.

"I suppose that is true," he agreed, giving Shindou a smile. "That's very considerate of you, Hikaru." Shindou blushed at the mention of his name, his toes tingling and he shrugged.

"I don't want to be a lousy husband," he muttered, taking Touya by surprise. His cheeks took on a pink tinge.

"Husband," he murmured and Shindou could see him shiver. It was the first real sign of how important this was to Touya, and before Shindou's brain had time to catch up with his body he'd reached over the table to cover Touya's hand with his. Touya licked his lips, smiling a bit nervously. "I..."he exhaled shakily. "Yes. Of course we will be husbands," he said delicately, and it struck Shindou that all Touya had expected when he'd asked him to marry him was that they'd sign a partnership - he'd never actually thought about it as a genuine marriage. Until now.

"Is that okay?" Shindou asked gently and the pink took on a deeper hue. Touya was still smiling, though, and reached out to put his free hand on Shindou's cheek. The expression on his face was nothing short of tender, and it was enough to make Shindou feel breathless. Yet another side he'd never seen before.

"Of course it is, Hikaru," he said softly, thumb stroking lightly over Shindou's cheekbone. "I asked you to marry me, didn't I?" he added, cocking his head slightly. Now it was Shindou's time to shiver. He closed his eyes, exhaling, as he let his hand come up to cover Touya's. Touya's fingers stilled, and by a stroke of mad courage Shindou curled his fingers around Touya's and turned his head, pressing his lips softly to the palm of his hand. When he dared look up, Touya had an incredible look on his face. His eyes were narrowed, cheeks flushed and his lips slightly parted. It triggered an insane urge to just knock everything off the table, clamber on and kiss him senseless. Instead, Shindou just smiled, hoping it didn't show just how wildly his heart was beating, and he placed Touya's hand back on his cheek. As he released him, Touya came alive.

"Oh! The food!" he gasped and blushed furiously, almost dropping the chopsticks as he tried to pick them up in a hurry with hands that were trembling. Shindou could see him shiver visibly and could only imagine how he must be feeling. He knew it well by now.

After that, the atmosphere between them was tense and nervous, culminating on the way home when Shindou stopped outside the station and looked at Touya and make the vaguest of gestures to offer him his arm. He could see Touya swallow visibly, before he nodded slightly and took Shindou's arm in a light, tentative grasp. They walked in silence to the crossing and this time Touya didn't just spontaneously step in to kiss his cheek. Instead he stood in front of Shindou looking rather helpless. Shindou almost felt sorry for having rattled him so much, but all the same he was happy that he wasn't the only one that was overwhelmed.

"Akira," Shindou said gently and Touya closed his eyes, shuddering.

"Yes?" he whispered, sounding almost frightened. Shindou reached out to gently cup his face and Touya sought his touch rather than shying away from it. His eyes opened to show a sliver of obsidian. Unable to help himself, Shindou stepped in closer and pulled Touya into his embrace. His shivering mimicked his own as Touya answered the hug, one hand coming up to cup the back of Shindou's head. They stood entangled for what felt like minutes, breathing eventually in unison as one rather than two.

"Akira," Shindou murmured, feeling a shudder go through Touya at the name.

"Hikaru," Touya whispered and Shindou almost stopped breathing, because it was more a whimper than anything else. He moved back slightly to meet Touya's eyes, and found that he was in tears.

"Akira," Shindou repeated softly, distressed by the tears. "Are you all right?" Touya bit his lip, then moved forward giving Shindou only a second to prepare before the kiss. It was just the lightest of touch, lips pressing against lips so briefly it was over before Shindou had the time to be shocked. Touya, however, seemed to have shocked himself because his grasp on Shindou got slightly harder and he buried his face against his neck, breathing irregularly. Feeling so much he didn't know what to do with himself, Shindou kissed Touya's ear and let one hand come up to stroke his hair in a way he hoped was soothing as he tried to digest the first kiss of his life.

After Touya not moving for such a long time Shindou was starting to get cold, he gently started to untangle from the embrace, cupping his face. He looked tired and slightly unsure.

"Let me walk you home," he murmured. Touya nodded minutely and they walked slowly, arm in arm to Touya's apartment. Touya seemed deep in thought and glanced up on Shindou now and then, until they were standing outside his front door. There, he fumbled to get his keys out and when he almost dropped them Shindou stepped in and grasped his hand. Touya stilled, swallowed and then looked up. He shivered.

"Hikaru," he murmured and Shindou smiled, lightly touching his cheek.

"Don't be afraid," Shindou said softly and Touya let out a choked little sound, but he was smiling. The tears were back in his eyes.

"I'm trying not to," he said just as softly. "I think...I'm frightening myself the most," he confessed, looking at the keys in his hand. "I acted on impulse..."he smiled nervously, shaking his head as if laughing at himself. "You always did have that effect on me."

"I guess so," Shindou chuckled lightly. "You startled me but...I don't mind," he said, something that Touya needed to hear because he relaxed a little, rubbing slightly at his temple.

"Thank you," he mumbled, eyes growing distant. "I think I need to be alone a little now. It's been an overwhelming week. Ah." He hastily looked back at Shindou who felt bad, and Touya seemed to realise that what he'd say could be interpreted wrong. He placed his free hand on Shindou's cheek. "It's been wonderful. Just...overwhelming. I..."he drew a deep breath. "I was not expecting all this when I..."he paused, swallowing.

"When you proposed to me?" Shindou filled in, mouth twitching. Touya twitched, and his smile grew embarrassed. The silliness was not lost on Shindou, who couldn't quite stop laughter building up and was soon joined by Touya.

"Yes," he laughed. "I did propose to you," he agreed, wiping at his eyes. "I'm sorry, Hikaru, I-I just..."he sighed. "I'm happy it turned out this way, even though I did not expect it."

"Me too," Shindou agreed, sighing. "Thank you for tonight. I should get home now, though, if I want a bath before bed," he said, drawing his fingers through his hair. As he did, Touya blushed again, turning away. He smiled, fingering with his keys.

"Yes. I think I need a bath, too. I'll see you on Tuesday," Touya said, his neck still red. "But I think...we should probably see each other in private rather than at the saloon. Don't you agree?" Shindou's heart sped up at the insinuation, especially in the light of the kiss. Touya glanced back at him briefly, then turned his eyes back on his keys. Shindou had a feeling he knew what was going through his mind because it was also on his. Next time they would kiss again. They couldn't do that if they met at the saloon.

"Yeah," Shindou mumbled embarrassedly, scratching his neck. "Maybe. I'll...see you."

"Yes. Good night, Hikaru," Touya smiled, unlocking his door to slip inside. Shindou walked slowly back home, absently touching his cheek and lips, the memory of Touya's hands and lips on him. On his way home, he usually walked by a pharmacy and rarely stopped by unless he needed shampoo or soap, but as he saw it this time it was in a different light. Him and Touya had gone from just being close friends to kissing in a little over a week, what was there to suggest it would stop there? Suddenly feeling so nervous his belly contracted, it struck Shindou that he had never even touched a packet of condoms, let alone used one.

Incredibly self-conscious now, Shindou ducked into the pharmacy and cast around for anything that could possibly be condoms. He'd seen commercials here and there down in Akihabara when he was younger and spent his money on manga and games, but beyond that he had no idea and he was too much of a chicken to ask. The pharmacy wasn't very big, so Shindou quite quickly found the small shelf with condoms, sandwiched between shelves with wet wipes and stomach medicines. Not exactly knowing what he was looking for and suddenly realising he had to know his size to get condoms - and Touya's size, too, for that matter, Shindou panicked slightly. He picked two packets on random with different size and thickness and walked by the shelf where he usually got shower cream to get a bottle of that as well. It was a thin veil of pretence, but he couldn't come up with anything better.

The cashier just entered the wares without taking any notice of Shindou's discomfort, and seemed to purely on routine put the condoms in a paper bag for him before everything went into the usual white plastic bag. Shindou left feeling as if he'd done something forbidden and tried his best to tell himself that being protected was the intelligent thing to do even if he knew for a fact that he himself was a virgin and he felt fairly sure Touya was, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Japanese pharmacies are often more than just drug stores, and sell everything from wet wipes to makeup to medication to soap. They're really interesting to browse through.


	6. I'll stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou tries his best to educate himself and Touya is in need of a friend. It doesn't end as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a warning: this is a big one, handling both LGBT in Japan along with some adult themes.

The next day Shindou ran into Nase at an event he'd been hired to and she, of course, took the opportunity to ask him how he was fairing with Touya as soon as they went out to have lunch.

"Two proper dates," Shindou said, picking with a pair of chopsticks as they waited for their food in a private room. "I brought him to a tempura place and he retorted with sukiyaki," he said, smiling at the memory. "We..."he paused. "Never mind, that's probably more information than you want." Nase snorted.

"It's fine. I guess you snogged?" she said cheerfully making Shindou blush scarlet.

"That's...not the word I'd use," he muttered, thinking that snogging was much too crude for the tender little kisses they'd shared so far. "But yeah...we did kiss," he admitted and Nase made a little victory noise, smiling widely.

"You must definitely be doing something right then," she said cheerfully, just in time for their lunch to be served. Shindou snapped his chopsticks apart and picked at his katsudon thoughtfully, wondering silently how much of all that had happened this week had been him. Touya was definitely the one to introduce kissing, but Shindou felt that he had probably been the one to initiate anything at all by suggesting they'd date. His thought briefly touched the unopened packs of condoms at his home before deciding this was the wrong time to think about that. He also definitely felt that asking Nase about sex - between males nonetheless - wouldn't be fair so he didn't say anything.

Later that afternoon Shindou found his way into a bookstore, hoping for something that would help him clear the haze of confusion and prepare him a bit better for what may come his way soon enough should Touya want it. As he looked around, however, he became aware of the complete lack of any books on the subject - everything available only catered for heterosexual relationships and the sex education books were few and stuffed out of sight. He left feeling disappointed and acutely aware that what was going on between him and Touya was outside the norm in a way he'd never been before. It was something that probably belonged completely behind closed doors, had his friends and people of the Go world not already grown so accustomed to his and Touya's special relationship.

Feeling a bit down, Shindou instead wandered off to a local internet café to see if he could find anything useful on the internet instead. Picking one of the places with private rooms, he sat down realising that he had no idea what to search for. Typing 'gay sex' into a search engine was something even the otherwise clueless Shindou realised was a bad idea, so he was at a complete loss. Sitting staring at the computer for the better part of twenty minutes, he ended up in the least scary place he could come up with for information: Wikipedia. Even there it wasn't easy to come across information, but he eventually something useful: Nakadôri in Shinjuku. If he couldn't find information anywhere, he definitely would find it there, even if the thought of going to a reputed gay street as a celebrity made him nervous. Jotting the Chôme down, Shindou left the internet café feeling slightly lighter at heart. His afternoon of searching hadn't been a complete waste, after all.

A couple of hours later Shindou made it home with dinner and finally some useful reading. A shop clerk had taken pity on him as he'd entered his store in a state of discomfort and confusion. After stammering out his errand, he'd been given a bag with a couple of pamphlets on gay love and sex, a flyer to a club without age restrictions, some free samples in a small brown bag and some encouraging words. Shindou had left there feeling embarrassed but somewhat relieved, despite that it had been a complete stranger at least three times his age that had helped him out.

As Shindou sat down to eat, he flipped through the pamphlets in the safety of his own living room, equal amounts nervous and grateful that the pamphlets were easy to understand and straight to the point. He was also relieved when informed of statistics over most common sex practices, where only a forth of gay men seemed to regularly practice what he'd thought was the most common kind of intercourse. The most common practices were things he'd never even thought of and if he was to be honest, they sounded a lot more intimate to him. He was just studying a drawing of it when his phone rang, giving him such a shock he nearly knocked his drink over. He scrambled to get his phone - it was Touya. For once in his life Shindou didn't want to talk to him right now, because of what he'd been up to. Blushing furiously, he picked up.

"Akira."

"Hikaru," Touya murmured on the other end. "I-I'm sorry...I just wanted to hear your voice," he said, instantly making Shindou feel guilty for not wanting to pick up. "It's been a trying day."

"Don't worry about it," Shindou said softly, sinking down by the table again. "I was just having dinner. What happened?" he added, feeling slightly worried. Touya had never called him like this before - it just showed how much had happened these past days.

"Just rude customers," Touya said but he sounded sad. "I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but..."Shindou sighed, smiling to himself. He'd had his fair share of rude customers, too, but he could imagine himself a bit more thick skinned than Touya when it came down to it.

"Do you want me to come over?" he asked, which clearly wasn't what Touya had expected him to say, because there was a sharp intake of breath and a long silence as Touya seemed to consider the offer. Shindou waited, a bit torn himself, but as he glanced at the table his eyes fell on the second pamphlet he'd gotten.

"Please," Touya finally mumbled, which was all he needed to say. Shindou got up, stuffing the pamphlet in his back pocket.

"I'll be with you soon, then," he said cheerfully, and to his satisfaction Touya let out a small, rather tender laugh.

"Yes." Shindou set off to Touya's apartment at a small jog, his mind on the pamphlet in his pocket. He didn't feel at all confident in whipping it out, but since Touya had been the one to propose to him he assumed it was safe. If nothing else it might cheer him up or at least get his mind off the customers. Either way it was worth a few ruffled tail feathers on Shindou's part.

As Shindou stood outside Touya's door, however, his courage failed him. It wouldn't be the first time he visited Touya - they often got over to each other's homes since they lived so close to each other nowadays. But being alone with Touya in the light of the past week made Shindou wish he'd had more time to educate himself and the guts to actually open the packets of condoms he'd bought. He pushed it back into his head. There was no certainty that they'd ever get that intimate - Touya might be perfectly happy to let it stop at kissing. Shindou himself was more uncertain. He felt a bit pressured about moving things in that direction since he didn't feel ready for it, but his natural curiosity made the thought to at least have a go at some point intriguing. Even if they decided it was not for them.

Drawing a deep breath to relax himself, Shindou rang the bell. When Touya opened, Shindou noticed that he'd already changed out of his suit into his more casual clothing, because he was wearing jeans and a long armed t-shirt. It made him feel smaller and thinner than with the padded suit, something that Shindou had found a bit alarming the first times. Now it struck him that Touya would have to be very thin under those clothes and probably rather fragile. Blushing slightly, Shindou stepped into the genkan, hands in his pockets. Touya watched him, his cheeks slightly pink.

"Well, I'm here," Shindou said lightly and Touya smiled, although on closer inspection Shindou thought he looked close to tears. Now concerned, Shindou stepped out of his shoes to get closer. "What is it?" he said gently, reaching out to touch Touya's cheek.

"Nothing. I just..."Touya exhaled shakily, his eyes bright. "I'm just glad you're here." Shindou sighed, shrugging out of his jacket.

"It's not nothing," he said gently. "I'm not an idiot, Akira," he said, but his tone lacked any bite. "I can see it's not nothing." Touya sniffled and nodded, a hand coming up to rub at his temple. Shindou stepped up from the genkan at reached for him, pulling him into a hug. As he did, he realised that Touya was shivering. It was also slightly alarming to hug him without a fluffy jacket on, because Shindou could feel his ribs quite clearly and there was nothing soft about him now except his hair.

"It's nothing unusual, then," Touya said quietly, fingers gripping Shindou's hoodie. "There's always that one, old and rude customer who says whatever's on their mind without..."he trailed off, but Shindou knew.

"Without thinking about your feelings?" he said carefully.

"Yes..."Touya murmured, turning his face slightly. As he did, his breath whisked over Shindou's neck giving him goosebumps. Shindou pulled back slightly to meet Touya's eyes. They were vulnerable and unsure. He gentle caressed his cheek with his thumb, tucking his hair behind his ear.

"Is it okay if I-" he started, but Touya cut him off.

"Yes," he breathed, almost making Shindou lose his nerve. He stalled by stroking Touya's cheek again, then carefully leaned in, pressing their lips lightly together. He could feel Touya tense up and grasp his hoodie slightly harder. Shindou didn't know how long to kiss, so he just did it briefly first. As he pulled back, Touya followed him minutely as if he didn't want it to end. It was enough encouragement for Shindou to try again, this time with slightly more confidence. He gasped slightly as Touya's hand came up to hold his head and Touya took the opportunity to deepen the kiss - whether by mistake or not, Shindou couldn't find himself to care. Kissing without closed lips was wonderful. It was wet and warm and Touya tasted like tea. It made Shindou's heart run wild and every nerve on his body tingle. When he finally pulled back, it was because parts of his body that he wanted out of this for now was taking too much interest in what was going on. Touya gazed at him, panting slightly, his eyes darker than Shindou had ever seen them before.

"That was..."Shindou started and Touya smiled unexpectedly, looking almost as happy as he had been after the date at the tempura restaurant.

"Yes," he whispered, voice husky and much too sexy for Shindou right now. His heart vaulted in his chest and he hoped his hoodie was long enough to cover him up. "It was," Touya agreed, petting Shindou's hair slightly before pulling back. Shindou glanced down briefly, noticing that Touya's jeans weren't as successful at hiding his interest in the kisses. Touya blushed, his ears red, but he didn't comment. Shindou figured that it was probably just as well, because it would have been a very awkward discussion.

Shindou followed him inside the apartment where Touya put on tea, composing himself slightly even if he was still in a state of arousal when he sat down beside Shindou, serving him.

"How..."Touya swallowed. "How was your day?" he asked a bit awkwardly, reminding Shindou of the pamphlet.

"It's been fine. Spent the afternoon getting a bit frustrated, though," he confessed, pulling the pamphlet out of his pocket. "Turned out finding information on some things are harder than you'd think." Touya eyed the folded pamphlet, cocking his head. When Shindou put it on the table and spread it out, realisation dawned on him.

"You..."he breathed, staring at the pamphlet. "You found out how to register partnership?" Shindou's ears went warm at how incredulous Touya sounded.

"Well, yeah," he mumbled, hand coming up to his neck. "We can't really get married but we can do this, so I figured we needed to know how it works. At least I do," he added tentatively. Touya seemed at a complete loss and for a moment Shindou wondered if he would panic, until he closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, pressing one hand to his heart. 

"I think part of me isn't really comprehending that this is happening, yet," Touya managed, voice once again vulnerable. He sniffled than nodded, opening his eyes. "Okay... What do we need to do to apply?" he asked. Shindou flipped the pamphlet open, going 'oh'.

"It seems we need to live in one of the areas that offer it," he said, frowning slightly. "Oh well. We were going to move anyway, right?" Touya frowned slightly but nodded, moving over to sit next to Shindou. He ended up so close their bodies were pressing together to be able to read, which after the kiss made it slightly difficult for Shindou to concentrate.

"Yes," Touya murmured. "So we'll have to look for an apartment in one of these chome, then?" he said slowly, looking through the pamphlet. Although all of the municipalities of Tokyo had their own page, pretty much the same rules seemed to apply. "No other partnership, not related by blood, legal age...well, that was expected, "Touya read out loud, then he paused. He glanced at Shindou. "They also need us to be committed to each other." Shindou sighed, wrapping and arm around Touya's bony back.

"I think we're a bit past that, don't you think?" he said gently, Touya's cheeks colouring. He smiled.

"I suppose that's true," he said gently. "Move and wait, then," he concluded, closing the pamphlet. On the backside, there was a cartoon with a chubby little man carrying a rainbow flag. It suggested to also apply to be each other's voluntary guardians, since the registered partnership in legal terms was mostly symbolic. "And that, I suppose..."he murmured, sighing softly.

"Speaking about that," Shindou said quietly, making Touya look up. Shindou felt his neck go warm and a funny feeling in his chest. "I...I looked up a few other things, too. I don't know how much you know about that, either, but I'm clueless as usual so..."

"About what?" Touya asked, looking a bit confused. Pressured, Shindou made a vague gesture.

"About, you know..."he drew a breath, trying to find courage in the arm wrapped around Touya. "I-intimacy. Between guys."

"Oh." Touya went positively scarlet and Shindou had the feeling he'd have liked to have the ability to turn invisible. He looked incredibly uncomfortable. "No...no, I can't say I-I..."he licked his lips nervously. "I-I have a couple of editions of Barazoku, but beyond that I just...haven't..."he drew a deep breath, swallowing hard. Shindou could feel it.

"Barazoku?" Shindou echoed and Touya gave him a small smile.

"It's a lifestyle magazine for...gay men," he said carefully, obviously still unsure about what he and Shindou really had. Of course, Shindou would have had to be stupid to not realise by now that neither of them were straight. Not after the kisses in the hall. "W-what did you find out?" This, however, was more than Shindou had bargained for.

"Um," he managed nervously. "M-maybe we should discuss that after a few more dates?" he tried. "And-and you can read the pamphlet I got if-if you want. There..."he drew a deep breath and was interrupted by Touya's hand coming up to cup his chin. Shindou swallowed as Touya tilted his face up to his. "There were things in there that seems...nice..."Shindou whispered, pinned down by those dark eyes, even if the gaze was currently very soft.

"It's okay," Touya said tenderly. "We've got a lifetime." Shindou couldn't help himself, he rose up to meet Touya's lips in a kiss, tipping them both over on the floor. Touya huffed, but when Shindou drew back to apologise he wouldn't have it. He seized Shindou's head with both hands and pulled him back down. They kept kissing far beyond what was probably wise and when Touya finally pushed Shindou slightly off him, he was flushed and panting, lips wet and puffy from all the kissing. His eyes were dark and filled with pleasure.

"I think...we'd better stop there," he whispered huskily, the sound heading straight for Shindou's already painful arousal. "If you want to wait a few dates before we get more intimate." Shindou nearly protested - but reminded himself that no matter how much he felt like getting it on right now, he didn't feel ready and might regret it later. He didn't want to make a mess of their first time. Nodding, Shindou pulled back and tried to calm down. It was difficult when he looked at Touya lying beside him on the floor with his hair fanning over the tatami and eyes closed, an obvious erection making a ridge in his jeans.

Pushing down a mad urge to mouth it, Shindou managed to get up on unsteady legs and headed for the bathroom. There were only two ways to solve the problem: cold water or taking care of it. Neither felt very appealing for very different reasons, but considering Touya's own state Shindou figured that masturbating with him in the next room was probably the least uncomfortable choice. It didn't take a lot, either. He was more aroused than he'd been in his life, so it only took a few pumps where he sat on the toilet before he came, breathing ragged and sweat running down his neck. He felt more out of it than usual, too, and ended up sitting there for nearly ten minutes when there was a tentative knock on the door.

"Hikaru? Are you okay?" Touya called and Shindou exhaled, smiling to himself.

"I'm fine. I just needed to calm down," he called back, getting up on wobbly legs to wash himself off. As he got out from the bathroom, Touya was leaning against the wall opposite, waiting for him with a small smile on his lips. His cheeks were rosy.

"You were my first love," he said tenderly, meeting Shindou's eyes. Shindou's heart vaulted in his chest at the words. Although it wasn't Touya's first confession, this time Shindou really understood what it meant. Tenderness washed over him and looking back at the years since he'd met Touya, something became so clear he couldn't understand why he hadn't realised it before.

"You were my first, too," he said quietly, leaning back against the door. "I know I've been bad at handling it, but..."Touya shook his head, laughing lightly.

"I was doing a poor job of it, too," he admitted. "I pushed too much or tried to avoid you completely, I just couldn't help it. Looking back I'm lucky you didn't hate me for it." Shindou sighed, leaning his head back.

"I couldn't have," he murmured. "There were times I wanted to...but...I think most of all I just wanted you to see me, so I was furious with you when you ignored me."

"For what it's worth now, I am sorry," Touya said softly. "I...have never been very good at interacting with people." Shindou chuckled, tipping his head back down to grin at Touya, who was looking rather sheepish.

"I know," he said with warmth. "It was pretty infuriating." Touya blushed at that, making a face.

"You were quite annoying, too, you know," he retorted and Shindou snorted.

"I guess. I've been called stubborn and ill-mannered enough times by now, but I think..."he crossed the small gap between them, stepping up close enough to feel Touya's breath on his face. "I had to be for us to complement each other." Touya gazed into his eyes, then nodded minutely.

"I suppose that's true," he agreed. "I have the manners you don't, but you have the social skills I lack. I'm withdrawn and you're so forward..."he laughed a little. "You've literally been dragging me along..."Shindou chuckled.

"I have, haven't I?" he agreed. "And you forced me to focus on what I really wanted instead of just..."he shrugged slightly. "I didn't know what I wanted with my life when I met you, and you were so serious... It surprised me. We were just kids."

"I had never met anyone like you before, either," Touya murmured, reaching up to lightly touch Shindou's hair, his hand coming down to touch his ear briefly before it settled on his shoulder, thumb lightly caressing his collarbone. "But yes...we were just children back then. We didn't know what to do about all those feelings."

"No," Shindou sighed. "It's a bit overwhelming now, too, though," he added gently, hands coming up to Touya's sides. Once more, it struck him how thin he was. Touya shivered slightly at the touch, glancing down.

"You're bold tonight," he mumbled and Shindou withdrew his hands, embarrassed.

"Sorry," he managed apologetically and made a face. Touya chuckled slightly.

"It's okay," he said, catching Shindou's hands in his and replaced them on his waist. "I don't mind," he added softly, breath catching slightly at the touch. "I should have known you would be bold when we were alone," he whispered, letting his arms come up to circle Shindou's neck. In wonder Shindou let his hands caress up Touya's sides, whisking lightly over his chest and back to trace his shoulder blades. Touya rested his forehead against his shoulder, breathing going deeper and hitching now and then until Shindou's hands settled on his back in an embrace. He stepped in close until the lengths of their bodies touched, putting his lips to Touya's ear.

"I read about oral sex, handjobs and...frottage," he whispered in Touya's ear, as a late answer to the question he'd asked earlier that evening. Touya shuddered, the arms loosely looped around Shindou's neck tightened slightly.

"Do you want to do that with me?" he answered in a breathy whisper, unknowingly making every nerve in Shindou's body on fire.

"If you want it, too, yeah," he murmured back, another shudder going through Touya as he pressed slightly closer. Only then Shindou realised that he was backing Touya up against a wall, because as his legs touched it, Touya was forced to straighten up, connecting the parts of their bodies that had yet to touch. Touya gasped as Shindou pressed up against his hardness, a full body shiver taking over. Shindou could barely breathe, waiting nervously for any kind of response.

"Yes," Touya finally whispered, his hands curling around Shindou's shoulders. "You're not making this easy for me right now, Hikaru," he more or less whimpered. "Ei-Either you do something, or let me go." Hot and hard again, Shindou had a dilemma. He didn't quite feel ready, but even he could recognise how what he was doing right now could be considered teasing. It would only be fair if he actually followed up on his promises or Touya might keep him at arm's length in the future.

"O-okay," he mumbled, stepping back slightly. He heard Touya swallow and relinquish his grasp on him. Shindou looked down, releasing one of his hands. He licked his lips, glancing up on Touya who nervously looked back. "I'm going to touch you. Is that okay?" Touya's eyes widened slightly and he swallowed again, breath hitching.

"Yes," he whispered and they both looked down as Shindou dropped his hand, very carefully letting his fingers trace the ridge that had formed again in Touya's jeans. At the touch he gasped and stilled, shivering violently. He pressed his forehead against Shindou's shoulder again, as Shindou kept caressing him through the fabric all the way to the sensitive head. He could hear Touya suck in a breath then, and careful traced his way back to grasp the zipper. He glanced at Touya, fingers around the zipper pull. Realising he had stopped, Touya turned his face to meet Shindou's eyes and the look on his face sent a jolt through Shindou's body. Their breaths mingled as Shindou slowly started pulling at the zipper without breaking eye contact. Once the zipper was down, Shindou let his fingers caress the warm, hot hardness through Touya's underwear and another jolt went through him as Touya's eyes rolled back slightly before he fought to keep eye contact. His eyes were narrow and so dark Shindou felt sure his pupils were blown. Shivering, Shindou carefully pulled at Touya's trousers slightly before he returned to dip his hand inside and grasp him, carefully pulling his dick out where it had been wedged in his trousers. Touya let out a tiny, choked sound, once again finding it difficult to keep eye contact. Shindou felt him shudder as he slowly started to masturbate him, the feeling similar to doing it to himself but somehow much more intimate. Touya let out little noises in his ear, breath hitching over and over again, alternating between biting his lips and a voiceless cry accompanied by shuddering. It didn't take long before his whole body tensed up and he gave up trying to look Shindou in the eye, pressing his face against Shindou's as he panted, slender arms squeezing him as he came, ejaculating seconds later all over Shindou's hand. Shindou stood panting with the fading member in his hands as Touya fought for control, his knees shaking badly. When he finally lifted his face to look at Shindou, his expression was so erotic that Shindou couldn't handle it - the third jolt going through him, strengthened by Touya kissing him clumsily, was enough for him to topple over the edge as well. He gave out a muffled noise against Touya's lips, reflexively gripping Touya's neck to keep on kissing him. As they pulled back, they were both spent, lips wet and faces flushed.

"Did you just..."Touya asked breathlessly and Shindou was too spent to do much else than laugh.

"The look on your face did me in," he confessed. Touya gazed at him in wonder, one slender hand coming up to caress his cheek.

"I...need to change," he said, glancing down on himself. "You need to wash off, too." Shindou looked down and couldn't quite suppress a giggle at the mess, it felt somehow surreal in hindsight but he didn't regret a thing, which was surprising. Touya smiled at him, sighing contentedly. "This day ended very differently from what I imagined it would."

"Yeah..."Shindou agreed, shaking his head before he reached out with the hand not wet with semen and carefully reached out to tuck Touya's now limp dick back in his underwear. Touya let him, watching silently. "I...hope this was okay, though," he said carefully and this time it was Touya's time to laugh - a low, merry thing, eyes sparkling.

"You are such a strange man, Shindou Hikaru," he said quite fondly, reaching out to kiss him lightly before bumping their foreheads together. "I have no regrets nor complaints. Thank you. Let's wash off and get changed, okay?" Blushing, Shindou didn't protest as Touya took his hand and led him back into the bathroom on legs that were jelly after two orgasms so closely together. He was glad he'd already come once, though, or his underwear would have been a lot wetter and uncomfortable. At the sink, Touya gently soaped, washed and dried his hand, sighing softly.

"I think we will both sleep well tonight," he said as he let Shindou's hand go. "I don't know about you but I think I will go to bed early today. Will you stay?" Shindou started slightly, staring at Touya who looked back looking calm and relaxed.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked tentatively. Touya smiled, gently touching his cheek.

"Of course I do. We're getting married, aren't we? The plan is to live together, eventually," he said, and Shindou felt a bit silly about even asking.

"Never mind," he said embarrassedly. "I'll stay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small note on Barazoku: the magazine ended permanently in 2008, but this story is set in 2004 when it had only started its decline.


	7. Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou protects Touya and Touya acknowledges that he may need it.

Shindou was usually a lively sleeper, but with Touya curled up next to him he was unable to move around much and it affected his sleep. He woke up fairly tired after sleeping lightly, despite how heavy and tired his body had been when they went to bed. He lay awake in the early morning, watching Touya's sleeping face and wondering how he could have possibly missed how in love he was with him. In hindsight it was painfully obvious. He wondered if anyone else had figured it out considering how obsessive the two had been, and it made him rather worried. Eventually, Touya woke up with a start where he lay, curled up against Shindou with his head on his arm.

"What...oh. Hikaru," he murmured. "I'm sorry, I completely forgot you were here." He laid back down beside him, one hand absent-mindedly caressing Shindou's chest. It gave him goosebumps. "Did you sleep well?"

"I'm used to sleeping alone," Shindou said, stretching slightly before he curled the arm Touya was lying on top of around him. As he did, Touya was pressed slightly closer and the arm on his chest went around it in a loose embrace. "So not really... I'll get used to it, eventually, I think." Touya looked slightly apologetic, until Shindou brushed his hair out of his face. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes," Touya murmured. "I'm not sure I've ever slept this well, actually... I felt...safe, if that makes sense." Shindou thought about it, leaning his head back on the pillow he'd borrowed from Touya.

"I suppose," he agreed thoughtfully. "To be honest, I..."he paused, wondering if it was such a good idea to tell Touya that, but he would have to say something now that he'd started. "I've...been trying to protect you when I had to, I guess."

"I see..."Touya said after a moments silence. He didn't seem angry, but he was slightly confused.

"Yeah, well," Shindou drew a deep breath. "You're scary over the Goban, but...when you're not playing..."he paused, because Touya had lifted his head and was looking at him. He had a serious look on his face and Shindou blushed. Touya sighed, one hand coming up to his forehead.

"I'm a coward," he said, averting his eyes. Shindou started, panic washing over him as he realised he'd obviously said a very bad thing.

"That's not what I-"he started, but Touya shook his head, silencing him.

"I know that, Hikaru," he said silently. "But I am. I used to be terrified all the time, of everything and everyone. I'm not like you," he said sadly, sitting up. "I-I can't just jump right out and not give the consequences a second thought. The only time I could...it was because of you. Because I didn't care what happened as long as I..."he exhaled shakily. Shindou rose up to lean back on his elbows, looking up on Touya. Something Sai said long ago went through his mind.

_He turns his fear into courage over the Goban._

"Akira..."he said softly and Touya glanced briefly at him. He looked deeply unhappy.

"I'm sorry..."he murmured. "I haven't talked to anyone about this before. I just don't know how to do anything about this weakness..."Shindou sat up completely at that, reaching out to grip Touya's arms.

"I don't think about it like that," he said gently. "You shouldn't view it as a weakness, either. You said it yourself, I'm impulsive - it's not a good thing. I don't think things through like you do and it's got me in loads of trouble." Touya looked even more confused hearing this, though.

"Being scared is not a bad thing? How can it not be?" he said, his voice with a slightly desperate quality to it.

"You shouldn't have to be scared," Shindou said, feeling concerned. "But I think that knowing about the consequences before you do things definitely is a good thing." Touya considered this, because he was silent with that thoughtful frown on his face.

"I...suppose that is true," he finally said. "I'm sorry. I've lived with the burden of expectations and holding up my father's shadow for too long. They kept me safe until I became a pro, but after that... Everything I said or did reflected on my parents, because they brought me up. I wanted to make them proud."

"I think they'd have been proud of you no matter what you did," Shindou said, startling Touya slightly. "I've met your dad. He loves you." Touya stared at him, jaw slack, colour flooding his face. He didn't seem to know quite what to do with himself. "And anyway, you're not a kid anymore."

"No...no, I'm not," Touya agreed shakily, more confused than ever. He seemed so distressed that Shindou decided that it was time to stop this discussion, and he did so by pulling Touya towards him until he more or less landed on his lap. Touya turned slightly but stilled as Shindou started caressing his hair, running his fingers through it. After a moment or two, the tension seemed to seep out of him and he relaxed where he lay.

"I think it's time to stop worrying so much about what people think," Shindou said gently. "You won't know that anyway." Touya didn't answer, he just shifted until his cheek rested against Shindou's thigh and closed his eyes as Shindou kept caressing him.

"Hikaru," Touya finally murmured after a long silence. "Thank you for protecting me." Heart swelling, Shindou leaned down to kiss Touya's hair.

"Just let me know when you need me. I'll be there," he offered tenderly. He could feel Touya nod, but he stayed where he was, cradled in Shindou's lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Touya is obviously a very intelligent boy, but high intelligence has its drawbacks - fear of all the risks you see around you, constantly. Touya has also been brought up to be well behaved and he is, to a point, because he is also completely dense when it comes to social cues he hasn't learned mechanically. It could indicate he'd be somewhere in the autism spectra, but more importantly people who have this problem tend to have some things in common: they get terrified to say or do the wrong thing, because they can't predict how people will react. I think this is very much true for Touya, because he doesn't notice when he is rude and he gets very upset when yelled at (and obviously both scared and confused). So, yes, I think Touya is scared most of the time when he's not playing Go and avoids people he fears will judge him (ignoring others as a way of self-protection) - Shindou is very blunt when he has issues about Touya and really spells it out to him, making him much easier to understand.


	8. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou given Touya something to think about when it comes to expectations, then battles his own insecurities with unexpected results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know a thing about condoms so please bare with me...

The night at Touya's had given Shindou a lot to think about, not only because of the completely unplanned bit where he'd masturbated him, which kept appearing in his dreams quite a lot. More than anything it made him think about all the things he'd learned about Touya, that he felt sure he'd never have unless all this had happened. Touya's admittance to being scared also made Shindou more attentive, and it didn't take long into the next time he saw Touya before he noticed him being anxious for no obvious reason. All that happened was that a pro asked him how his father was doing nowadays, which seemed innocent enough on the surface and it probably was - but the question was a lot more of a delicate subject for Touya given that he had moved out six months ago. Shindou watched Touya smile and say that all was well, but the smile disappeared as soon as the pro was satisfied and turned his attention elsewhere. Shindou let his hand come up to lightly touch Touya's back, feeling the tension there.

"I think you can relax now," Shindou leaned in to say, startling Touya slightly but he did relax.

"Thank you," he said with sincere gratitude. "I didn't know what to say, it's been over a month since last time I spoke to my parents," he admitted, looking slightly worried. "But I couldn't say that, could I?" Shindou considered it.

"Well, if I said it nobody would have been surprised," he said, making Touya frown.

"But everyone expects me to keep in touch with my parents," he said slowly, then sighed rather exasperatedly. "When on Earth did it come to this?" Shindou snorted.

"Probably when a famous, old-fashioned Go player got a son," he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets as Touya glanced at him. He didn't look very happy with that answer. "I think everyone expects you to be the responsible, obedient heir to the Touya house because you always have been." Touya frowned even deeper at that.

"So I caused this myself?" Touya said quietly and Shindou shrugged.

"You're you," he said simply. "People would expect me to be me. That doesn't mean you always have to be like people expect you to." Touya stared at him.

"You do realise that anything we say can end up in a newspaper, Hikaru?" he said and Shindou grinned.

"I think my image is easier to maintain than yours," he said cheerfully.

"Obviously, since people expect you to be an irresponsible child," Touya muttered, but even he seemed to be able to see that it was rather funny. "What are we even arguing about?" he said, smiling. Shindou's grin was contagious.

"I think it was that you're worried people will expect you not to change when you get older," Shindou quipped. Touya stood back, his jaw slackening slightly to show a little sliver of white teeth. After a few moments of silence, he seemed to compose himself.

"You're right," he said thoughtfully. "We're not...children anymore. I'm not a child anymore. I have my own life now, separate from my parents. I shouldn't be ashamed of that." He seemed a bit annoyed with himself for not seeing such an obvious thing. "We've been out here long enough, now," he said, motioning toward the playing rooms, where several games were already being played. "Let's play."

That evening, Shindou decided that if he expected Touya to act like a grownup he'd better do so himself, too. Swallowing down his embarrassment, he fetched the box he'd put the condoms and the bag with samples - whatever that meant - in to actually find out how they worked and what he needed. The sample bag turned out to be a handful of different condoms in different sizes, some with flavours, along with an array of sample packets with lubricant. Turning one over, Shindou blushed at the text ' _wetter is better_ ', wondering silently who thought that would make anyone purchasing their products feel better.

Feeling awkward, Shindou spread the condom samples out on his table and opened the two boxes he'd bought at the pharmacy. In hindsight he could have spared himself that particular shopping adventure, but he had at least not gotten them among the samples. He stared at the line-up, vaguely wondering why he was doing this alone - then on the other hand him fumbling with putting a condom on for the first time wasn't something he wanted an audience for. Looking at the condoms, it struck him that it looked like some kind of contest of which one that would get to play, which made him erupt into giggles instead. Taking a picture of the lined up condoms, he sent it to Touya.

_'Want to guess which one will fit?'_

He didn't get an answer right away, so was busy reading the instructions that had come with one of the boxes when Touya answered.

_'I am in the middle of a study group, Hikaru!'_

Blanching, Shindou stared at the text, just about imagining what must have happened. Touya picking his phone up to check his text, then seeing a photograph of happily coloured condoms, blushing and panicking, because he couldn't just run out of there gracefully.

_'Sorry, I didn't know'_

After a minute or two where Shindou worried that Touya was angry with him, he finally got another text. It seemed Touya had recovered somewhat and found a private spot to have a better look at the picture.

_'The white packet, maybe?'_

Smiling to himself, Shindou picked the white one to try it on first. If anything, it would get him something to compare with, since the condom claimed to be so thin it was 'almost nothing'.

_'I love you. I promise you won't get any dick-pics'_

He'd just opened the packet and got his trousers off when his phone buzzed again.

_'What makes you think I don't want any pictures? I had to leave the study group anyway. How can I concentrate knowing what you are up to?'_

Shindou stared at the text, swallowing. It sounded incredibly perverted to send anyone - even his date, a picture of his dick in a condom. The mere thought made heat pool down where he for once actually wanted it. Shivering, he reached down to rub himself slightly, summoning the images of Touya's eyes and his face when he'd masturbated him. It wasn't difficult to get hard from that memory. With trembling hands he pulled his underwear down and fumbled with the condom to figure out what was up and down. Rolling it on was a bit more difficult than he'd expected since the material was so thin, but he'd eventually rolled it all the way down to the root.

Feeling like an utter pervert, he snapped a picture and sent it before he could change his mind, quickly deleting it from his phone. He didn't want anyone but Touya to see it, ever. Blushing furiously, he inspected the fit before rolling the thing off, eyeing the table for contestant number two. Touya had the excellent timing to text just as he'd chosen another one.

_'You are beautiful, Hikaru. I love you, too.'_

Shindou looked at the table and back, embarrassed at having his dick be called beautiful - it was probably the last word he'd have used about it. Even so, it made his heart warm. Pulling his underwear and trousers up, he raked down the rest of the condoms back into the bag. Touya had chosen the white one and called him beautiful in it. That was all he needed to decide which one to pick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The brand of condoms Shindou picked is called 'Okamoto' and is reputedly one of the best Japanese brands.


	9. Amusement Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou is planning the next date he's in charge of, but is an amusement park such a good idea to bring Touya to?

With Touya having planned their last date, Shindou assumed it was his turn. At a bit of a loss - unless he chose another restaurant Touya would like - he went back to the list he'd managed after Nase had helped him out. He figured he'd done fairly well so far following her instructions, like making the dates all about the person he was dating, being a good listener and always being available, but there was a lot more to the list, too. Things like hotel breakfast, brunch, cooking lessons, onsen - which was probably a very bad idea right now unless they could be completely private, movies and amusement parks.

Personally, Shindou thought going to an amusement park sounded fun, but he was concerned that it would be breaking rule number one: letting the dates be all about Touya enjoying himself. He wasn't so sure Touya would appreciate an amusement park, at least not just going there to enjoy the rides. The most obvious choice of amusement park he could think of, was either DisneyLand or DisneySea. DisneySea was so new still that it would probably be very crowded, so it was a less appealing choice right now if he didn't want to scare Touya. A bit conflicted, Shindou decided to give Nase a call.

"Need some dating advice again," he said when she picked up. "Is Disneyland a good place? It's not all about the rides?"

" _Disneyland?_ " she said, sounding slightly surprised. " _Hmm... Well, there are the immersive shows, of course, you know - with wind, water sprays and stuff like that,_ " she explained and Shindou frowned. That didn't sound like something Touya would like either. " _Oh, yes, then there's the parade, fireworks and lightshow in the evening._ "

"Fireworks?" Shindou echoed. Fireworks might be a possibility. "How often do they do that?"

" _Every night, I think. They light up Disney castle after a light parade and have fireworks,_ " Nase said, sounding quite excited. " _I've seen it once and it was really fun._ "

"Yeah..."Shindou murmured. "That could work. Thanks, Nase!"

" _Anytime, lover boy,_ " she teased and he flushed, hanging up. He just hoped she was sticking to her promise to keep it secret and not fall for the temptation to tease him in public, too. Sighing slightly he felt a lot more hopeful, but felt it would still probably be a good idea to check with Touya before he got them any tickets.

Later that evening, Shindou called Touya to finalize his date plans.

"Hikaru," Touya answered, sounding rather amused. "Are you calling to tell me who won the contest?" For a few seconds, Shindou had no idea what Touya was talking about, before he remembered that the condom line-up had originally been intended to be more than just one. He had also asked Touya to guess which one it would be.

"W-well, I, no-no...that's not why I called," he managed desperately and got an annoying laughter back. "Akira!" he raised his voice in frustration.

"I'm sorry," Touya giggled. "So, not the contest, then. You are going to tell me which one you chose, though, or do I have to wait for when it will be used?" Blanching, Shindou couldn't find his voice for a few moments.

"I picked the white one, okay?" he blurted. "Just...just because you chose that one." The laughter stopped rather abruptly.

"Hikaru..."Touya murmured, the teasing note completely gone by now. He sounded touched. Swallowing nervously, Shindou wished he hadn't allowed the call to get away from him. It was one way to text about it, a whole other to actually _talk_ about it.

"I-I called about the next date," he managed before Touya could continue down that embarrassing line. Touya went 'oh' in his ear. "H-how do you feel about Disneyland at night?"

"Disneyland?" Touya echoed in surprise. "At night?" He sounded very confused, so Shindou realised he'd have to elaborate. It would ruin the surprise a bit.

"Well, yeah," he said softly. "They've got a parade and fireworks. I thought it would be nice to...watch them with you on the 14th of December." There was a pause before Touya answered.

"I would love to see the fireworks with you," Touya finally said, and to Shindou's surprise he almost sounded like he was crying.

"Are you all right?" Shindou said tentatively and Touya sniffled at the other end.

"I'm fine," he managed, sounding all but. "I'm more than fine, I'm...happy," he whispered. "I-I just got a bit emotional over..."he trailed off, but Shindou thought he could understand. He smiled to himself.

"I'll get us tickets, then," he said with warmth, hearing the tiny rustle from a tissue. He guessed Touya was wiping his eyes.

"Yes. Please do," Touya murmured and although he'd never intended for him to start crying, Shindou was glad that he had called first to check. He'd never been able to anticipate just how happy the suggestion would make Touya, and it was probably better if he got emotional over it now than if he'd brought him there as a surprise and had him tear up once they got there.

It only struck him afterwards that Touya had probably never watched a Disney movie.


	10. Belle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou takes a small trip to Shibuya to buy tickets for Disneyland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter! I had to break this out because it won't fit with the next one.

Shindou managed to squeeze into his schedule the trip to the closest Disney store in Shibuya to get tickets for the 14th of December, and realised in surprise that it was decorated for Christmas. It was cold with sporadic rains, but Christmas was just around the corner. Shindou had never really bothered with Christmas, even if Akari used to insist that they celebrate in some way when they were children and still met on a regular basis. These past couple of years though, all Shindou had to do with the Western holiday was all the Christmas decorations and themes at cafés and shopping malls, along with all the lights cropping up everywhere at night. As he stood there, staring at the Christmas wreaths hanging outside the entrance to the store, however, Shindou was acutely aware that Christmas Eve was a night for lovers.

"Do I buy you a present?" he mumbled, feeling rather anxious as he entered the store. He'd never dated anyone before, so Christmas Eve, Valentines or White Day had never been anything he concerned himself with. Inside the store there were Christmas decorations everywhere and there was a clear Christmas theme going through the merchandise as well. Shindou felt that most of it catered for a female audience, except perhaps for the toys and ornaments, but as he walked by a glass display with jewellery in it, he stopped. These were considerably more expensive than anything else in the store, and in the middle of the display there was a ring shaped like briars, with a rose set with diamonds. The ring itself was rose gold rather than the usual kind, which made it unique.

"Are you interested in anything from the case, please allow me to help you," one of the attendants said as she came up beside him, smiling widely. Shindou frowned slightly, licking his lips. Buying a ring for almost a hundred thousand yen for Touya, with no idea if he'd like it, seemed like a very risky move. Even so, he felt he couldn't walk past it.

"This one," he said, pointing at it before he could change his mind again.

"Oh, you have wonderful taste!" the attendant said happily, bringing out her key chain. Shindou was silent as the ring was brought out along with an ornament box, nervously wondering what on Earth Touya would think seeing it but he pushed the thought down. They were getting married in a few years. Why wouldn't he be allowed to spoil his future husband, even if it _was_ a ring originally intended for a girl.

Shindou was so immersed in his thoughts that he very nearly forgot to buy the tickets he'd come for in the first place, and added them blushingly at the last second before he paid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is curious: the ring I was thinking of is this one: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/436989970086808065/


	11. Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter has latched its hold on Tokyo and it's both damp and cold.

As the trip to Disneyland approached, the weather grew colder with frost in the mornings that thawed during the day, leaving the air cold and dank. It was impossible to dress right and it was none to pleasant to travel around Tokyo to customers and games. Thankfully, Touya had a remedy for that.

"I've brought out the kotatsu," he told Shindou the Saturday before their date. They were shivering in a light drizzle on their way to the train after a game discussion over one of the League games. It had been lengthy and it was high time for dinner. "Let's just warm up with that and oden."

"Sounds good to me," Shindou said, breathing on his hands. "Man, it's _cold_."

"Yes," Touya agreed, shivering visibly although he was trying to stay composed. They stopped by at the Familymart across the street from Touya's apartment to get hot oden, before heading up the elevator. As they entered, Touya leaned back against the wall and sighed wearily.

"Tired?" Shindou asked, trying to heat his hands up by holding the container with his oden in his hands. It was slightly too hot to hold. Touya had resisted the temptation, but he glanced at it with a slightly concerned look on his face, as if afraid he would drop it.

"Exhausted," he admitted, looking down on his own bag. "Can you make tea while I heat up the kotatsu?" Shindou sidled slightly closer, dropping the oden back into its bag. He bumped shoulders with Touya, who looked at him.

"Of course I can," he said gently. "I could even heat up a bath for you if you want." Touya eyed him silently as the elevator reached their floor and they stepped out.

"I'm still not accustomed to this..."he murmured from behind Shindou. As he turned, Touya's cheeks were pink. "I'm not used to you treating me like this." Shindou shrugged slightly.

"If you mean by not challenging you all the time, I'd say that's because we haven't really done much else than play Go and do Go related things. You're my rival there, remembered?" Touya considered it, as he brought his keys out.

"I suppose that is true," he agreed. "Oh. I almost forgot." When the door was unlocked, Touya removed a key from his chain and held it out to Shindou, who stared at it but took it tentatively. "It's an extra. I'm not sure you will ever need a key, but..."Shindou looked at the key, feeling warm.

"If I ever do, I've got one now," he murmured, bringing his own keychain out to put it there. "Mom's got my extra. I'll get it from her later, it's more of a point that you have it than her." Touya gave him a smile, and they went inside. It was almost as cold and clammy as outside, so Shindou made tea while Touya put the AC on dry and started heating up the kotatsu. He'd just gotten up, visibly shaking when Shindou came out with the tea.

"Maybe you should put on another sweater," Shindou suggested, then remembered that he was supposed to play the part of a chivalrous fiancé. "Come here," he said as put the tray down. "You can warm yourself on me." Touya looked very confused and perplexed.

"On you?" he said tentatively as Shindou got over to him, then blushed as Shindou pulled him into a hug.

"Your hands are cold, Akira," Shindou muttered. "Just put them on my back or something until you get warmer." As Touya obediently did, he sighed a bit exasperatedly. " _Inside_ my clothes."

"W-what?" Touya sputtered. "But you'll get cold! My hands are like ice!"

"I'm warm-blooded," Shindou countered, although he couldn't say that he looked forward to getting icy hands on him. "Just go ahead."

"D-don't say I didn't warn you later," Touya said nervously, but it lacked the bite of his usual retorts. He seemed to struggle a bit when he realised he'd have to tug to get Shindou's t-shirt out of his jeans, so Shindou helped him by doing it himself. Shivering, Touya then very carefully put his hands against the small of Shindou's back. He hadn't been exaggerating, his hands were very cold. Shindou sucked in a breath between his teeth, but neither protested nor moved. Once he'd gotten over the initial shock, it was easier. He felt Touya's hands go gradually warmer as they stood there, until he finally pulled his hands back.

"I...I think the kotatsu is warm now," he mumbled, pulling back to look at Shindou. He smiled.

"Probably. We should eat our food while it's warm, too." He leaned forward to meet Touya's lips in a kiss, sighing. "See? I survived." Touya's ears went red, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he just shook his head and released himself to sit down by the kotatsu, dividing for a moment over which oden was his before he opened them both. He pushed Shindou's to him as he sunk down, too, heating up his feet. "Ahh, that's warm," he sighed gratefully. "One of the best things with winter."

"Yes, countering one of the worst," Touya agreed, smiling as he picked up the stick to an satsuma-age and blew slightly on it because it was still hot. "Hikaru... Thank you." He looked apologetic. "I fuss and complain and protest but...I do appreciate it."

"I know," Shindou said cheerfully, chasing an egg around his cup until he managed to wedge it against the side. "To be honest I'm just a little dog barking very loud hoping no one will notice how small I am," he said, echoing something he'd read in a manga long ago.

"You do bark loudly," Touya agreed. "But there's nothing small about you." As he said it, he put the satsuma-age stick into his mouth and gave Shindou a challenging look, while he stared at him completely horrified by the joke.

"Never mind," he squeaked as Touya licked the soup off the fish cake without biting. "I feel warm enough already..."Touya giggled, pulling the stick back.

"I'm sorry. That was below the belt," he admitted, looking a bit flustered at his own boldness.

"Literally," Shindou muttered, blushing scarlet. "But I did send you a picture against my better judgement because you asked for it."

"I appreciated that, too," Touya said thoughtfully. "I honestly didn't think you would. It wasn't so much about the picture as, well, the level of trust that it required, I suppose." Shindou gazed at him, embarrassment fading away. It had never even crossed his mind that Touya might not keep the picture safe - he hadn't even trusted himself to do so. But now that Touya had said it he realised that it was true.

"Of course I trust you," he said, dropping half an egg back into the soup in favour of some noodles. "It just felt weird to do it. It's not like it's every day I take photographs of my dick." Touya smiled tenderly at him, cocking his head slightly as he absent-mindedly dipped the satsuma-age back into the soup.

"I meant it, you know," he said, elaborating when Shindou looked puzzled. "You are beautiful." Shindou laughed nervously at that, but it died when Touya - unthinkingly this time it seemed, finally stopped playing with his food and took a bite. Shindou stared at him, and for a moment it seemed Touya had no idea why. Then, when he realised what he'd done he looked mortified. "Um, d-do you want some dessert - I-I mean, tea?" he managed and Shindou didn't quite know how to react.

"I only want dessert if you don't bite," he said and Touya grimaced.

"I meant tea!" he protested, blushing furiously.

"You didn't think about tea!" Shindou retorted.

"Yes, yes, fine!" Touya cried, slightly panicky. "I _wasn't_ thinking about tea but I _meant_ tea!" Shindou couldn't help himself at that, he started laughing, helplessly.

"Yeah, sure. Tea sounds great."

Touya looked like he wanted to sink through the ground.


	12. Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou turns up at the Go saloon and gets something of a shock.

On the day of the trip to Disneyland, Shindou was in an excellent mood - so much that the people he played a quadruple with on the afternoon chose to comment on it.

"You seem like something good's happened," one of the women said, gathering her stones. "I've never played a Pro that looked so happy all the time before. It must have been terribly boring playing us." Shindou chuckled.

"Go is never boring," he said cheerfully. "Having fun playing is the most important thing."

"But don't you ever play games that are not fun?" another of the players commented in the middle of counting territory.

"Sometimes," Shindou admitted, finishing up yose on the only board still in play. "But it's never boring, it's not the same thing. "

"I suppose that's true," the first player agreed, smiling. "I hope you get a great evening, too."

Shindou left the event with a spring in his step, heading straight from there to the Touya Go saloon, only stopping by a combini to get himself an onigiri as an afternoon snack. He turned up early, giving Ichikawa quite a turn.

"Shindou-kun?" she said in surprise as he walked in through the door. "Wait. Is Akira-kun coming here, too?" she asked wide eyed, looking slightly horrified. Confused, Shindou blinked owlishly at her.

"Yeah? We were going to play today," he started and she panicked.

"Oh no! If I had known I would have baked!" she said desperately, confusing Shindou even more. "When is he turning up? _Please_ tell me you're early, Shindou-kun!"

"Yeah?" Shindou managed uncertainly. "I mean...he should be here in half an hour..."Ichikawa drew a deep breath, still looking wild eyed. She hurriedly found her purse and picked out a few coins.

"Two blocks that way," she pointed. "Is a bakery. Buy a slice of cake. Run before he gets here!" Shindou glanced down on the bag with his onigiri and back at the coins, grimaced and dropped the bag on the reception desk before he took off, both confused and rather annoyed. He didn't like Ichikawa ordering him around, but it was obviously important to Touya that there was a slice of cake. Either that or Ichikawa wanted it to be important to him.

Shindou found the bakery fairly quickly, and only when he stood in front of the counter did it strike him that there was one possible reason why Ichikawa wanted him to get cake for Touya. One very obvious reason that made Shindou feel very nervous, because if he was right he'd completely missed Touya's birthday. It had been a strike of luck that he'd put the date on this day, since they usually had Tuesday evenings off.

"How can I help you?" the lady behind the counter said and Shindou eyed the array of cake slices. Only one was a full cake - chocolate covered slices with candied cherries placed to form a round on a piece of golden cardboard. Ichikawa had asked him to buy a slice, but if it _was_ Touya's birthday, Shindou didn't feel like he could buy just one slice.

"All of those," he said, pointing at the chocolate cake, thinking of just how much money he'd spent the last weeks on Touya. He was grateful that this would not be an everyday occurrence and he did have the finances to back it up nowadays. Once the cake was packed and paid for, Shindou jogged back to the saloon, glancing around to see if he'd made it in time but he couldn't see Touya. As he got upstairs, Ichikawa's eyes went round.

"You got a whole cake?" she managed faintly as he placed it on the counter, shrugging his jacket off to finally get to eat his onigiri. Ichikawa had only given him money for one slice, so he knew that she knew exactly who had paid for the rest of it. Surprised and still slightly stressed out, she quickly got the cake off the counter and onto a plate instead, before she busied herself making coffee for them. A couple of the customers eyed the cake, but no one dared to touch it after she'd given them her best glare.

Shindou had finally calmed down, had his onigiri and been served coffee by the time Touya turned up. He instantly saw the cake and stopped in the doorway, staring at Shindou.

"Happy birthday, Akira-kun!" Ichikawa chimed happily and he started, glancing at her before his eyes went back to Shindou. He waved a little and Touya's eyes grew soft. He stepped up to the counter to hand Ichikawa his coat.

"Is this for me?" he asked, motioning to the cake before looking at Shindou again. He got up, hands in his pockets because he didn't trust to keep them to himself.

"Happy birthday, Akira," Shindou murmured. Some complicated emotion ran over Touya's face and he smiled, eyes shining.

"Thank you," he said tenderly, ignoring Ichikawa who seemed to want his attention. "I wasn't sure..."he reached out to smooth down Shindou's tie. "Let's have cake and play," he said warmly. "Will you give us a slice each, please, Ichikawa-san?" he said happily to her. She turned pink but smiled.

"Of course, Akira-kun!" she said, wasting no time to slide two slices onto plates for them. Shindou felt slightly sorry for her, because if she hadn't sent him off there wouldn't have been any cake at all, but she couldn't possibly know just how special his and Touya's relationship was now.


	13. Magical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou takes Touya to Disneyland, but he is completely unprepared for how he reacts to it.

After playing what ended up being a fast and very enjoyable game - and eating a very good chocolate cake that turned out to be full of cherries and arrack, Shindou and Touya wandered off to have dinner. Shindou regretted slightly that he hadn't picked a special restaurant, too, but since he hadn't known it was Touya's birthday he had not realised it might have been significant. Touya seemed to be more than happy with the cake and the upcoming fireworks display, however.

"Apparently they play music and integrate the fireworks with it and use a lightshow, too," Touya said as Shindou steered them to what he knew was one of Touya's favourite sushi restaurants in the area. "It is supposedly spectacular."

"I'm sure it will be," Shindou said cheerfully, holding the door open to let Touya through. He looked rather touched and didn't argue. "I was told it'd be great, too."

"Are you dressed warm enough, though?" Touya asked, eyeing Shindou's lack of scarf and gloves. "It will get even colder by the time we get there. It is already quite a chill in the air."

"Yeah," Shindou murmured. "It kind of smells like snow. I wouldn't mind a bit of snow right now." Touya smiled.

"No, it would be nice," he agreed. "But let's step by your apartment to get you properly dressed, shall we?" Shindou thought briefly on the ring, hidden in his sock drawer, but pushed the thought away. It was a Christmas present and he wanted to give it to Touya properly.

"Yeah, I guess we should," he agreed. "Can get an umbrella, too, in case we get rain instead of snow." Touya blushed slightly at the mention of an umbrella.

"Did you know that some consider sharing an umbrella the ultimate sign of devotion?" he said quietly. Shindou huffed slightly, smiling.

"Yeah. Seems kind of fitting, don't you think?" he said, heart warm at Touya's shy, brilliant smile directed at the table. He was saved from answering by dinner being served.

They stepped by Shindou's home to fetch an umbrella and his scarf and gloves, and by the time they stepped off the train filled with Disney stickers at Maihama station, a chilly rain had started falling. They stood just beneath the roof by the station looking out when Shindou opened the umbrella, offering Touya his arm. He seemed slightly cautious, because there were quite a lot of people around.

"They might notice we're both men," Touya mumbled rather nervously as he took Shindou's arm, and they started walking along the raised walkway leading to the entrance to Disneyland. All around them were people dressed for cold weather, many others carrying umbrellas or ponchos, a fair few obviously returning customers with various hats from the theme park.

"Nah, it's dark. They'll probably think you're a girl," Shindou muttered back and felt Touya tense up beside him. "You've got longer hair than me, Akira..."he added, casting an anxious glance at him, worried he'd said something wrong again. It wasn't always easy to know what would upset Touya, but it seemed he'd managed to smooth it over because Touya relaxed slightly.

"I...suppose that is true..."he said, sounding rather nervous. "I guess it's not a bad thing to...be mistaken for a woman sometimes." He looked around as they joined the throng of people lining up to show their tickets. "We are rather anonymous in a place like this," he said, relaxing slightly more.

"Yeah," Shindou agreed, bringing out the tickets from his pocket. "It makes life a bit easier, I guess, even if it feels a bit like hiding." Touya was silent as they passed through the ticket barrier and walked into the large entrance hall, lined with shops and a giant Christmas tree in the middle. Touya stopped to stare at it in wonder, the many Christmas lights shining in his hair. Shindou reached out to gently caress his cheek.

"It's beautiful," Touya murmured. "I-I didn't know they would decorate like this..."

"It's Christmas soon," Shindou reminded him and Touya nodded slowly. "I meant to bring it up later, but I'd like to spend Christmas Eve with you." Touya looked at him, completely taken by all the lights and ornaments around them.

"Christmas Eve..."he echoed. "Oh. Lovers meet then..."Shindou looked slightly sheepish.

"Yeah, they do. Give each other gifts and celebrate together," he said. Touya looked back at the tree. His eyes narrowed.

"Could we have a tree?" he asked, startling Shindou slightly. He'd known Touya was breaking with tradition, but not quite this badly.

"If you want a tree, we can get a tree. A small one, anyway," he promised. Touya smiled, renewing his grasp on Shindou's arm.

"A small one is more than sufficient," he said happily. They drifted around the shops for a little while, buying a few ornaments and candies. Before heading outside again, they also got a couple of earrings that Touya liked but couldn't decide if he dared to get, because they were quite feminine, until Shindou almost got them for him. Touya couldn't allow Shindou to pay for them even if it was his birthday, so it decided things for him. Afterwards, he was very happy about them so Shindou wondered why he'd been so unsure about getting them in the first place. Knowing that Touya liked that sort of thing made Shindou feel less worried about the ring waiting for Christmas Eve, however.

Once they made it to the other side of the entrance hall with all the shops and restaurant, Touya ended up rooted to the spot again because he was confronted with the park, filled with lights with the castle as a backdrop.

"There's a castle, Hikaru," he whispered, staring at it. "A Western castle."

"Yeah," Shindou agreed. "The Cinderella castle. Didn't you know?" Touya shook his head slowly.

"No, I... It's snowing." Shindou looked up against the lights and sure enough - the icy rain seemed to have shifted into snow. As they stepped out in it, it was rather wet still, so Shindou brought the umbrella up. They walked across the square, joining the people flocking along what seemed to be a road crossing the path leading up to the castle.

"I think we'll get a good view from here," Shindou said. Touya went 'oh', eyes still round and sparkling with wonder. He was more like a kid than Shindou had ever seen him, discovering the Disney magic for the first time. It was really very cute.

"It should start in a few minutes," he said, holding his watch up to check it. "So anytime now." He withdrew the arm Touya was holding on to and wrapped it around him instead. Touya tensed slightly and Shindou heard him breathe nervously, but he didn't have a lot of time to concentrate on it because somewhere in the distance music had started and the people around them started chattering excitedly.

"Something is starting," Touya breathed, turning to the sound. It gradually got louder and louder, until they finally saw the front of the parade. Touya stared at all the lights as if bewitched, only briefly lifting his hands up to his ears when the music was getting too loud. Shindou could only imagine what it must be like for someone completely oblivious to Disney to be confronted with this magical world, filled with music and lights. The parade seemed to go on forever, and when it finally ended Touya quivered beside him, flinching slightly in surprise when people all around him started applauding.

"Ready for the next?" Shindou said with a big, goofy grin on his face and Touya stared wide eyed at him. Even in the relative darkness Shindou could see that his cheeks were flushed with excitement.

"There's more?" ha managed, just as the crowds surged forward over the square in front of the castle where the next stage would take place. Shindou could sort of understand him. He'd just seen entire ballrooms with chandeliers filled with lights and an array of equally impossible things pass him by in all the colours of the rainbow. It had to be overwhelming. 

"We haven't had fireworks yet!" he said happily, pointing at the castle lit up by giant spotlights. "Do you want to get closer or should we stay here?" Touya eyed the crowds and shook his head.

"We might as well stay here," he said, still taken by the parade. "We will see the entire castle from here."

"Then we stay," Shindou sighed, giving Touya a one armed hug. "I've never seen you like this before," he admitted, moving his face close to Touya's.

"How?" Touya whispered, licking his lips.

"Childishly happy," Shindou smiled and Touya laughed, sounding slightly embarrassed. "It's magical, isn't it?" Touya nodded, one gloved hand coming up to touch Shindou's cheek.

"It is," he agreed. "I never understood the fascination with these Western cartoons, but...I think I'm beginning to," he admitted, eyes sparkling. As he said so, something was starting over at the castle. characters from Disney movies were projected onto the castle, starting off the show. Even Shindou, who had watched a lot of fireworks before had to admit that this was something else. It was more of a music concert than anything else, where they projected movie clips onto the castle, fireworks going off in time with the music and spotlights lighting up the smoke and the snow. As they watched, the heavy, wet flakes gave way for tiny flurries that bounced the light like mist. Touya was holding on to Shindou's hand the whole thing, his firm grip seemingly the only thing keeping him from jumping up and down in excitement.

When the show finally ended and applause commenced, Shindou felt he'd nearly forgotten what it felt like to stand there without music booming so loud they hadn't heard the fireworks explode. His heart was racing, too, so he could only imagine how Touya would feel. As the crowds started breaking up to join the attractions, Touya moved forward to get closer to the castle, now silent again but still lit up. Shindou put down the umbrella, following Touya silently. He stopped in the courtyard in front of it, deserted now. The walls of the castle were lit up in purples and blues, strings of lights hanging off the roof like glittering icicles.

"Do you want to go inside?" Shindou asked as he came up to stand beside Touya, snow swirling around them now. Touya shook his head lightly, smiling.

"No. It's fine," he said, sounding so happy and at peace it made Shindou's heart hurt. "I am content just watching it." Shindou let him, only taking his hand as they watched the castle together. Shindou wasn't sure how long they had been standing there, before Touya dropped his gaze.

"The ground is covered in snow..."he murmured before turning to Shindou. "Let's go home now." They walked slowly back, only stopping briefly for Touya to take in the many Christmas decorations they passed. Although Shindou knew he'd come across Christmas trees before, he certainly didn't act like it, because he stopped to watch every single one of them and couldn't resist touching garlands of fake pine, decorated with glitter, ornaments and bows. The walk back through the entrance hall took even longer than entering had done, even though they didn't stop by any shops, because Touya wanted to look at all the cartoon characters that he'd now noticed hidden away everywhere. As a result, they didn't get back home until well after ten. Shindou didn't even try to go home, following Touya all the way to his. As they stepped inside and shed their outer wear, putting down their purchases, Touya's hands found Shindou's face and he was pulled into a lingering kiss.

"Thank you," Touya murmured between kisses. "This was the best birthday I've ever had." He sounded so happy Shindou found himself melting, and he wondered silently if he'd ever be able to top this birthday in the future.


	14. Bleeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou's and Touya's games are bleeding into each other, giving their feelings away.

Touya had always been a researcher and whenever he came across some new knowledge he felt the need of, he would dive into it. Shindou knew this, but he was still rather surprised when he arrived at the Go saloon a couple of days after the visit to Disneyland and found Touya by a table taking notes from a few books with Ichikawa leaned over him.

"What are you up to now?" he asked curiously as he came closer, Ichikawa abandoning Touya briefly to put Shindou's jacket away. Touya looked up, his eyes soft, before he turned back to the book he was taking notes for. "Cooking books?"

"Well, yes, but not only that," Touya said, indicating the book he was currently pouring over. Shindou got around the table to get a closer look. Touya's notes and the open book seemed to concern a recipe for a sponge cake.

"You're going to make a cake?" he asked curiously and Touya looked amused.

"That was my intent, yes," he said happily. "I thought I would try making a Christmas cake." Shindou's breath hitched as the significance of this hit him.

"You're..."he murmured, stopping himself to glance at where Ichikawa was busying herself behind the counter. None of the customers seemed to pay them much attention. "For us?" Touya looked up on him, smiling but didn't answer. Shindou flexed his hands, itching to caress his cheek and kiss him. The thought of eating a cake Touya had made was exhilarating. "Isn't it difficult?"

"I don't know," Touya answered, but he didn't sound very concerned. "It doesn't seem very difficult."

"I'm sure you will do wonderful if you try, Akira-kun," Ichikawa said encouragingly as she got back, bringing coffee for Shindou with her.

"Ah, thanks, Ichikawa-san," he said quickly, still feeling a bit bad about the other day.

"Is there anything else I should think of?" Touya asked her, offering up his notebook for her to read. She accepted it and looked it over, nodding.

"I think it looks right," she said. "Keep in mind to always use fresh ingredients and clean bowls, though..."

What with Ichikawa and Touya absorbed in the cake recipe, it looked like it would be a little while before Shindou and Touya could start playing so Shindou reconstructed their game from the other day. As he did, he noticed a move here and there on the board that were unlike Touya. They were not bad moves, but they were moves he would normally not expect from Touya - rather it was moves he would have made himself. Once he'd noticed that, he realised that he had made moves himself that he'd have expected Touya to make instead. He stared at one particular exchange when Touya got over to him, and he started as fingers lightly touched his cheek. The touch was brief but electric.

"You have noticed it, too?" Touya said gently, motioning toward the board.

"Yes... Our playing styles are bleeding into each other," Shindou murmured. "I hadn't realised..."

"I saw it yesterday morning after you left," Touya murmured, sinking into his seat opposite of Shindou. "I don't understand why I didn't before. I know your games so well..."

"Maybe that's why?" Shindou suggested and Touya looked thoughtful. He leaned over to clear the board and accepted the Gokes, and started recreating his last official game. Some thirty moves in he stopped and Shindou knew why - there it was. A move that was more Shindou than him.

"Another move like that..."

The original intent had been to play, but instead they ended up recreating game after game, trying to find out when the 'bleeding' - as Shindou had called it, had begun. It went back a lot longer than any of them would have believed, and it seemed that the one who had started it was Shindou.

"I don't remember consciously doing it..."Shindou said thoughtfully as he leaned back, staring at a game dated months back - when Touya had moved and they started playing more often.

"Is something the matter?" Ichikawa seemed to have picked up on that they were not playing and came over to look. Akira narrowed his eyes before he met Shindou's eyes.

"Can I tell her, Hikaru?" he asked quietly. Puzzled why their bleeding games would be a secret, Shindou just motioned at him to go ahead. "Nothing is wrong, Ichikawa-san. We have just realised that our play is giving away more than we thought..."he motioned to the board, where half a game had been played out. "When we're of age, Hikaru and I..."he paused, looking back at Shindou, who's heart was starting to speed up. It was starting to dawn on him that Touya and he might not have been completely agreed on exactly what he was going to tell Ichikawa. "...we plan to get married," Touya said gently.

There was a stunned sort of silence, which made Shindou feel sick. He glanced nervously up on Ichikawa, and she was staring at Touya who was looking back, his entire body tense and straight as a poker. Then suddenly Ichikawa drew a sharp breath, quickly grabbing a corner of her apron to wipe at her eyes. Tears. Shindou grit his teeth.

"I was so worried," Ichikawa sobbed. "I didn't think your feelings were reciprocated. I'm so happy for you, Akira-kun," she managed, smiling despite her tears. Touya seemed to relax slightly and he smiled a little, too, turning to look at Shindou. He exhaled in relief, almost falling off the chair as he got boneless. He dragged himself up to sit properly.

"So you knew about that," Touya said softly and Ichikawa nodded several times.

"Of course I did," she said tearfully. "I've known you since you were very little. When you met Shindou...you became so lively. But he's caused you a lot of pain, too." Touya swallowed visibly and tensed again. As he met Shindou's eyes, he seemed scared again.

"Akira," Shindou murmured, leaning over the Goban. He reached his hand out and Touya quickly lifted his, weaving their fingers together. He relaxed slightly again but was starting to look rather pressured.

"I was wondering when you started using given names," Ichikawa commented. "But I didn't want to assume..."Touya shook his head, sighing.

"It's fine," he murmured. "I never expected it to end this way, either." He gave Ichikawa a smile. "I think we'll be going, Ichikawa-san."

When they got out in the street, Touya tentatively grasped Shindou's arm. Shindou flashed him a smile, curling his arm up to let him get a better hold.

"I...think I might as well be honest with you," Touya said quietly as they slowly walked toward the station. "Since Ichikawa-san gave it away like that..."he added even quieter, sounding slightly regretful. "I'm not sure it matters anymore, but..."

"You mean her comment about your feelings?" Shindou said gently and Touya looked slightly pressured. He licked his lips.

"I...already told you that you were my first love," he said and Shindou nodded. "It was confusing but...when you asked whether I wanted a physical relationship with you, too, when I asked you to marry you, I..."he sounded slightly upset with himself. "I-I wanted to tell you yes. But I didn't want to pressure you into thinking I had expectations. I still don't." Shindou considered this, thinking of Touya's reaction to kissing.

"I know," he said softly. "I hadn't thought about it before you proposed either. But I think...I want that kind of relationship with you. And I'm not saying that because I know you want it," he added quickly. "I just haven't felt...ready, I guess. But I do find you very..."he paused and swallowed the word 'sexy'. "...beautiful." Touya looked at him in wonder, so absorbed he stumbled over an umbrella someone had dropped on the sidewalk. Shindou quickly pulled him up and stopped, holding the slightly shell shocked Touya in his arms.

"You think I'm beautiful?" Touya whispered as if he could not believe what he'd just heard. Shindou smiled, one hand coming up to sweep Touya's hair out of his face.

"Yeah," he murmured. "Of course I do." Touya sucked in a breath, closing his eyes. He shivered.

"Are you...still not ready?" Touya whispered and Shindou's stomach did a flip at the implication and he shivered. The mere thought of getting intimate with Touya made him slightly light-headed.

"I..."he swallowed. "I won't know until we try," he said carefully, caressing Touya's cheek. "But if we're going to do anything, we need to pass by a pharmacy." Touya nodded slowly, covering Shindou's hand with his.

"I can wait," he murmured. Shindou couldn't help but smile.

"But you don't want to," he said slightly teasingly and Touya flushed.

"Of course not!" he snapped, but the fight quickly drained out of him. "Let's just go, Hikaru. My blood sugar is running low." At the prospect of getting into trouble because of Touya getting snappy with him, Shindou quickly started letting him lead him to their intended dinner. It seemed Touya wasn't interested in a restaurant tonight, because he led Shindou back home, passing both a pharmacy and a small shop specializing in ready-made, warm bento boxes on the way. Shindou felt even more awkward buying condoms the second time, even if he knew what he was looking for this time, because he wasn't sure where this evening would lead him. All he could think about was how much it turned him on to kiss Touya and what it had felt like to touch him. He steered way clear of the look on Touya's face, because he felt slightly afraid they would have an embarrassing incident otherwise.


	15. Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya worries about who else might realise what is happening to their games and Shindou manages to hit a nerve.

Thankfully, Touya's frustration with Shindou seemed to have receded by the time they got to his apartment and his mind was back on the games.

"I wonder if anyone else have noticed the change in playing style?" he said worriedly as they got their outer wear off. "I would imagine our games do get studied."

"Hard to tell," Shindou said slowly. "But do you think it's really a problem? I mean, they do know we're friends..."Touya licked his lips, sinking down by the table .

"I think I'm most worried about my father and Ogata-san," he mumbled, struggling slightly to get the warm plastic to open because he didn't want to break the corners. "Ogata-san might not notice but my father definitely will. He knows my game too well. Whether he realises the significance, though...I just don't know."

"You mean we'll need to come out to them, too, before long?" Shindou said cautiously. As he said it, he realised that they couldn't just start holding hands and let people know that way. Not everyone would be welcoming - in fact, they would be very lucky if everyone reacted like Nase and Ichikawa. The odds of that happening were very small. They would need to get people private and tell them one at a time. Not to mention what Shindou's parents would say.

"I suppose that is what I'm saying..."Touya said nervously and started picking at his food. Shindou watched him, torn between warmth at watching him eat and the discomfort of having to come out to his family and friends. He'd just gone straight ahead as usual without thinking about what he was really doing. But being with Touya felt more right than anything and he no intention of backing out.

"We'll do it together," he said gently and Touya started, looking up. His eyes were wide. "We're not doing it alone." Touya softened visibly at that.

"Yes, we will," he said tenderly. "Thank you, Hikaru, I needed to be reminded."

"You're too used to doing things alone," Shindou shrugged. Touya seemed to consider it, but nodded. He chewed thoughtfully on a piece of stewed daikon then sighed softly.

"It doesn't matter anyway, does it?" he said quietly. "Even if things turn...bad, I'll still love you. I can't help it. I've never wanted _anyone_ the way I want you..."Shindou looked at him, glancing down on his own food and back again.

"Why do you sound so sad when you say that?" he asked, startling Touya slightly mid-mouthful. He swallowed with some effort, turning red in the face. "It's not a sad thing to love someone, is it?"

"N-no, that's not what I..."Touya looked deeply distressed at that. "It's not...it's not like that," he managed, Shindou raising both eyebrows in confusion.

"Then what's it like? Because I love you, too, and I'm not sad about it," he said, stopping at once because Touya looked up on him with a desperate, wild look in his eyes and looked close to tears.

"Weren't you listening to Ichikawa-san?" he managed, squeezing his eyes shut. "This may be easy for you, realising only now what you feel. But it has caused me s-so much pain..."Shindou still didn't understand, but he knew one thing: Touya was upset and it was his fault. He abandoned his food to wrap his arms around Touya instead. He just gave up a feeble protest, before he, too, dropped his chopsticks and pressed his face against Shindou's shoulder. "You have no idea," Touya whispered brightly, twisting the knife in Shindou's chest.

"I'm sorry," he managed, choking on the words. "I-I just don't... I didn't want to upset you," he whispered, cradling Touya's head with his hand. He didn't know what to do or say, just that he'd messed up somehow and wasn't sure exactly how. It didn't exactly help that Touya's breath hitched again and again, his entire body shivering, because he knew without being told that he was crying. "I can't change the past," Shindou mumbled in defeat.

"No... I know that..."Touya whispered pitifully against his shoulder. "I-I'm not asking you to..."Shindou gently caressed his back and shoulder in a way he hoped to be soothing.

"I guess...you never thought I could love you back," he murmured finally, the pieces starting to fall together.

"Not even in my wildest dreams," Touya managed thickly, curling in on himself as Shindou gently grasped his shoulders to make him sit up. He bit his lip and bowed his head in a vain attempt to hide the tears that were still falling. Shindou tenderly cupped his face, lifting it as he brushed his thumbs over his cheeks. Touya obviously didn't want to meet his eyes.

"Your eyelashes are wet," Shindou murmured, touching their foreheads together. "Looking back it was there all along," he said softly. "For both of us." Touya nodded, sniffling. Shindou ran his thumbs over his cheeks again, sighing. "I might have been a total arse to you, but I always cared," he said softly. "I was never mean to you on purpose. If I'd known how much it hurt you..."

"We were both such a mess," Touya whispered and Shindou chuckled.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Maybe we would have hurt each other even more if we'd gotten together sooner." Touya wiped at his eyes, starting to get hold of himself.

"That's true," he agreed, gently freeing himself to sit up properly. Shindou let him. "I guess we would have been the couple that broke up and made up constantly."

"Yeah," Shindou gave him a small, crooked smile. "And we'd have been upset every single time." Touya's mouth twitched.

"Not unlikely, no," he agreed, then sighed. "I'm sorry. You hit a nerve before." Touya cast about for a tissue so Shindou leaned over the table to give him the box. "I'm glad you're not sad about loving me. It's just that this has caused me so much grief because I couldn't control what I felt and...I know it will not be easy from now on, either, even if we've got each other." Shindou considered it, frowning slightly.

"Just because we're in, well, a gay relationship," he said and Touya nodded, still looking rather sad. His eyes were red.

"Being gay in this country isn't easy," he said quietly. Shindou sighed, reaching out to caress his cheek.

"We'll handle the issues when they turn up," he said. "Eat?" Touya glanced at the food as if he couldn't stomach it right now, but with a posture of defeat he turned back to it and kept eating. Shindou watched him for a moment, before leaning over to kiss his hair and return to his own food. They ate in silence, but after it Touya seemed to have recovered somewhat. His eyes were still red rimmed and he looked tired, though.

"Hikaru," he said quietly as he put the now empty bento together. "Can you just hold me a little?"

"Always," Shindou said generously, luring out a small smile. He fetched a pillow and sat down on it, Touya scooting over to curl up on his lap. As Shindou wrapped his arms around him, he seemed to relax, his hands finding their way inside Shindou's t-shirt. He grunted slightly at getting cold hands on him, but didn't protest. He still felt guilty for before.

"Maybe not tonight," Touya murmured after a long silence that was a lot more comfortable. He seemed at peace again. "But I...would like to service you some day." Shindou swallowed.

"By servicing...do you mean..."he started, unsure how to continue. Touya's cheeks went pink.

"Yes," he agreed slightly embarrassed. "I would like to touch you. At least with my hands if you don't feel ready for my mouth..."he trailed off, looking up on Shindou who felt his whole body get warm. He swallowed and took one hand off Touya to pull out the package of condoms. It was silver but shimmered in all the colours of the rainbow as he held it up.

"It's sort of one of the reasons I got this," he mumbled embarrassedly. Touya took the package from his hand and looked at it.

"So this was the one I chose?" he asked a bit awkwardly.

"Yeah," Shindou admitted. Touya put the package down on the floor, leaning back into Shindou's arms.

"It's got a pretty box," he murmured, cheeks still pink. "If I didn't know what it was I probably wouldn't have guessed the contents." Shindou chuckled.

"I suppose not," he agreed. "Early night tonight? Is it okay if I stay? I kind of don't want to leave you alone right now..."Touya sighed slightly, curling up even closer into Shindou's arms.

"Please," he mumbled, putting his hands back inside Shindou's t-shirt. Shindou had no idea how he'd done it, but his hands were just as cold as before this time, too.


	16. High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou wakes Touya from a nightmare and cuddles turn into something a lot more intimate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There's some sexual intimacy in this chapter, so if that's not your cup of tea you might want to skip it. <3

The next morning when Shindou woke up, well before the alarm, he was first slightly disoriented and wondered why. It was a moment or two before he realised that Touya was twitching at his side, mumbling in his sleep. Shindou's first thought was that it was cute, but he quickly revised it as he understood that Touya was having a nightmare.

"Akira?" he murmured, touching Touya's cheek. He was a bit hesitant to wake him. Touya jerked away from the touch, his breathing going more erratic and the frown on his face deepened. He mumbled something incoherent that could just have been 'no'. "Akira?" Shindou tried again, slightly louder. He swallowed and licked his lips nervously, grasping Touya's shoulder. He pushed back weakly. "S-sweetheart?" Shindou tried, blushing furiously at the use of the word. He'd turned it over in his head, but never dared voice it out loud. "Sweetheart, wake up!" he called as loudly as he dared, squeezing Touya's shoulder. It did the trick. Touya opened his eyes, looking rather groggy for a second or two before his gaze focused on Shindou, who felt relieved that he was awake.

"Hikaru..."Touya murmured, slightly confused.

"You were having a nightmare," Shindou said quietly, releasing the shoulder in favour of pushing his fingers into Touya's hair. He let out a small noise of pleasure from the touch and pressed closer to Shindou.

"I know," he murmured. "Thank you for waking me up." He sighed slightly as Shindou kept gently massaging his skull, silky hair pooling between his fingers. Shindou, who'd long harboured a secret desire to touch his hair, was more than satisfied that Touya seemed to like it. "This is nice," Touya mumbled, humming contentedly.

As Shindou kept running his fingers across Touya's scalp, now and then scratching slightly, Touya more or less melted against him. Eventually, though, he was growing restless, hands running lightly over Shindou's chest before finding their way inside his t-shirt. Shindou sucked in a breath as delicate fingertips whisked over his abdominal muscle and up to his chest, light enough to be pleasant and firm enough not to tickle. Distracted, Shindou didn't immediately notice that Touya had started breathing deeper, but as he lifted his head to move in for a kiss, the expression on his face made Shindou breathless. His hand slid down Touya's back and landed on his bottom as he heaved himself up to get a good angle for kissing. Shindou moaned into the kisses, his nerves tingling and heat running up and down his limbs as they kissed, his hands involuntarily grasping at Touya who just keened. The hand on Touya's bottom cupped him and he withdrew momentarily, wild and beautiful with eyes nearly black. Shivering, Shindou let his other hand come up to Touya's hip and although he hadn't meant it to, Touya took it as a sign to move. He straddled him, Shindou gazing up at him in mild shock that was quickly quenched as Touya bent down and resumed their kissing, pressing down against him. Gasping at the feel of Touya's erection, barely held back by his underwear and a thin layer of silk, pressing against his stomach made Shindou spasm, fire racing down to his crotch with a jolt. He pulled his legs up to steady himself and his hands found Touya's sides. Shindou shivered all over as Touya's kisses trailed over his jaw and now to his throat, sucking lightly over the muscle there.

"Akira," Shindou managed, looking down but unable to see the hard presence pushing against him for Touya's pyjamas jacket. He grasped at the fabric to get it out of the way but it was slippery.

"Hikaru," Touya managed huskily as he straightened up slightly and Shindou's brain ground to a halt at being pinned down by his eyes. His member twitched and Touya sucked in a breath between his teeth, before he stretched not unlike a cat. Bewitched, Shindou reached out to unbutton the pyjamas jacket and Touya let him, chest heaving with each breath. As the cloth fell away, Shindou stopped to just stare before running his fingers across Touya's chest. He gasped a little, eyes narrowing as he leaned back against Shindou's thighs.

"Is this...okay?" Shindou whispered, his head getting fuzzy and it didn't help that Touya moving on his lap was rubbing against him.

"Yes," Touya managed. "Is this?" he asked and showed Shindou quite clearly what 'this' was, because he pushed himself down against Shindou's own erection, just held back by his underwear, until the tip of it was cradled against something soft and warm. Shindou spasmed, his fingers grasping at air before Touya's hands found his, lacing them together. "I love you," Touya murmured and Shindou bit his lip.

"I love you, too," he breathed, moaning as Touya slowly started moving, rubbing himself against Shindou. It was almost unbearable and just at that fine line between pleasure and pain, quickly tipping over in favour of pleasure. Shindou didn't know what to do with himself - he couldn't quite handle emotionally to have Touya's eyes on him while being pleasured by him. The pressure built up quickly and he let out a desperate whimper as his body tensed up. To his dismay, just on the brink of orgasm, Touya stopped and rose to his knees. Shindou, who felt completely out of it nearly started crying before Touya kissed him gently.

"I don't want to get it on our clothes and the futon," he whispered, his voice dripping with so much Shindou had never heard before and the mere sound was nearly enough to tip him over. Very nearly. "Just hold on one moment, darling. I'll get you there." Shindou bit down, fighting to breathe and clear his mind as Touya moved off him, his silk pyjamas bottoms tented and snug around his bottom as he reached over to pick up the abandoned package of condoms. Lightheaded, Shindou watched him collect condoms for them and move back, flashing Shindou a smile that pushed him so close his toes curled. He doubted he would last long once Touya touched him and tried to relax and breathe. It was extremely difficult since Touya moved swiftly to pull his underwear down, exposing him to the chill air.

"Akira," he whimpered and Touya moved up again, kissing him.

"Almost there," he murmured, cool fingers grasping Shindou's length which made the pressure recede slightly, like a wave pulling back. He expected it to be back before long. Glancing down, he watched Touya gingerly smooth the condom on him. Panting, he gently petted Touya's slender, bare back and received a little smile in return. Then suddenly he was standing, pushing down both underwear and pyjamas bottoms in one, swift motion and Shindou just stared as Touya - now completely naked except for his socks, sunk down on him again. Shindou stared groggily in abandon as a warm body connected to him, his dick cradled by Touya's balls and the most beautiful dick he'd ever seen.

"You're..."he faltered, gazing in abandon as Touya carefully covered himself, too. "Beautiful," Shindou croaked, the only word he could come up with, and it made him understand why that was the word Touya had used about him. Touya smiled at him.

"Ready?" he said, eyes sparkling. Shindou nodded frenetically and it was all the encouragement Touya needed. He wrapped one hand around them both sending a shock through their systems. Then, before they had managed to recover completely he started to move again.

With Touya back on top of him and his warmth rubbing against him, Shindou quickly got back to the high he'd been on when Touya had paused. As he did, Touya leaned down to press against him, kissing him slowly as he kept the undulation motion going. Shindou was close to tears, feeling more than he'd ever thought was possible. He tensed up again, almost bucking against Touya as he hit orgasm and Touya clung to him, arching into it as he reached the top, too. He more or less collapsed on top of Shindou, chest heaving rapidly with his heavy breathing. Shindou wrapped both arms around him, sobbing against him.

"I love you," he whimpered, completely overwhelmed. "I love you." Touya tenderly kissed his throat in answer but otherwise didn't move. Trembling, Shindou reached out to pull the covers back over them and closed his eyes to process what had just happened between them.


	17. Domestic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou spends a quiet morning with Touya before they head out for work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise that this took so long. It's not a very long chapter, but I've rewritten it four times to get the right atmosphere - work has been draining so it's been difficult to find the right mood for writing on this piece. I hope to be quicker on the next one. <3

Shindou had not quite managed to fall asleep when the alarm cut through the silence, but he had come down from his high and the haze of pleasure had cleared. Even so, his body felt heavy and relaxed in a way a regular masturbation never really managed to accomplish. Apparently Touya felt the same, because he pushed himself up on unsteady arms to reach for the alarm, shivering as the covers fell away. Shindou lightly touched his sides and Touya sighed, giving him a tender smile.

"Thank you," he said softly, making Shindou feel slightly embarrassed.

"You don't have to do that," he said a bit awkwardly and to his surprise, Touya giggled. A light hearted thing without a shadow of the distress from the day before.

"I need a shower," he said instead, then looked down. "How do we do this...?"he then added awkwardly, pointing out an obvious problem. Shindou, who had never actually used a condom had no idea how to get it off without a mess. Now that none of them were hard anymore, there was the issue of them risking to slip off the moment they moved.

"Uh, just sit still," Shindou managed, blushing furiously as he reached down between them. He felt incredibly perverted as he carefully pulled the condom off Touya, doing his best not to touch him intimately more than necessary. Touya waited patiently, watching, but his cheeks had turned pink. Once freed, he lifted himself off Shindou just enough to return the favour. Shindou swallowed as he knotted the condom, trying not to glance down on what Touya was doing. Eventually, they were able to get up without incident. Shindou threw the condoms in the bin while Touya pulled on a nightgown against the cold and turned the AC on.

"You shower first. I will start on breakfast," he offered, shivering from the cold.

"Okay," Shindou sighed, leaning over to capture Touya's lips in a kiss. He received a small little happy smile in return as he slipped off, checking the water temperature on the wall outside the bathroom briefly before heading inside. Showering off, Shindou was struck by how simple it had been. There hadn't been much awkwardness and he didn't feel conflicted now, either. Despite the fact that he'd literally had sex for the first time in his life. He just felt ridiculously happy and didn't particularly look forward to leaving after breakfast. It seemed Touya was thinking the same, because he looked up from where he was stirring miso through a sieve into a boiling soup when Shindou turned up from the shower.

"Pity we have work today," he said. "I would have liked to postpone your departure for just a bit longer." Shindou gave him an apologetic smile.

"I can't really do anything about that," he said, reaching out to gently touch Touya's cheek. He just smiled.

"Will you watch the soup?" he said gently. "And turn the fish in the toaster oven when the timer goes off?" Shindou promised, although he didn't feel particularly confident he knew how to watch a pot or turn a fish. Touya didn't seem very worried, though, and disappeared into the bathroom letting out steam as the door opened. Shindou stared into the swirls of miso, sighing. For once he wished he didn't have the obligations that came with being a professional Go player and even thinking it confused him. They had both worked very hard to be here, although from what little Touya had told him he had never exactly aspired to be a professional. He had been pushed into that direction when Shindou had disappointed him. On the other hand he was starting to suspect that Go really had very little to do with their feelings for each other - it had simply been the string that tied them together for all these years. So deep in thought was Shindou, that he nearly jumped out of his skin when the timer for the fish went off. He was puzzling what to put the timer on after the fish had been turned, when Touya got back out of the bathroom. His hair was wet, shining like black silk in the light from the lamp in the hall.

"Hikaru?" Caught staring, Shindou quickly turned his attention back on the food, his neck burning.

"Uh, when's this done?" he faltered, glancing at Touya as he came up to him, patting his hair dry. It was getting long now, almost reaching his shoulders.

"You don't cook?" he asked, checking the toaster oven.

"Not really..."Shindou confessed. His kitchen was barely a kitchen at all, as it was only equipped with a small fridge, a sink, a single cooker plate and an electric kettle.

"I suppose that is not really surprising," Touya mused. "Most single men cannot cook very well."

"...I'm not single anymore, though," Shindou observed, Touya swiveling around to stare wide eyed at him.

"You..."he murmured and Shindou fidgeted slighly, giving him an abashed smile.

"I'm your fiancee, aren't I?" he said and Touya stared mutely at him for several seconds, before his face softened so much his eyes went shiny. He smiled, reaching out to place his hand on Shindou's cheek.

"Of course," he said with so much love it made Shindou's breath hitch. "Will you put the futon away?"

When the futon was safely tucked away behind sliding doors, Touya carefully made his way into the room with a tray filled with bowls and plates. Shindou hurried to his feet to relieve him of it, but Touya just smiled. He carefully put it down, folding his legs in to sit before he served breakfast.

"I suppose we should get rings eventually, too," he said lightly, sounding delighted at the thought. Shindou was glad he had not yet put food in his mouth, because he managed to choke noiselessly anyway - thinking of the ring waiting for Christmas Eve tucked away in his drawer back home.

"Yeah," he managed tearfully, picking up his bowl of rice. "Make it official."

"Yes," Touya agreed happily, seemingly oblivious to Shindou's internal struggle.

"This was really good," Shindou diverted, motioning with his chopsticks at the grilled fish and pickled vegetables.

"Thank you," Touya said, munching on a crunchy piece of salted radish. "It's very simple food, though. I didn't know I would have company for breakfast. I don't mind," he added quickly as the apology was on Shindou's lips. "I hope I will have company again, soon." He met Shindou's eyes and he very nearly lost his thread of thought, cursing silently how easily Touya could throw him off these days.

"Yes," he mumbled, thinking about the morning with his belly filled with butterflies. He wanted more, he knew that now. Although he'd been sated earlier the mere thought of it made him thirst for it to happen again. "I'm..."he paused, looking down on his food, because what he'd meant to say was 'I'll be there whenever you want me'. It sounded much too desperate, even he could recognise that. "I-I mean, I just want to be with you," he said instead, even if it came out a bit lame. It seemed to be the right thing to say, though, because Touya gave him that impossibly loving look again.

"I want to be with you, too, darling," he said tenderly, reaching out to grace Shindou's cheek with his fingertips. "You can sleep here whenever you like." Shindou swallowed hard, allowing himself to gaze into Touya's eyes, his feelings overwhelming and tumbling over each other in a mess he never thought he would get used to.


	18. Adjust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou's mind circles around the ring,

After he’d left Touya that day, Shindou kept turning over Touya’s words in his head. How they would get rings. He found it very difficult to let go of it, and it didn’t exactly help that he actually already had purchased a ring. It had been on a whim because he’d thought it would look pretty on Touya’s hand, but the more he thought about it the more he wanted the ring to actually be an engagement ring. It was certainly pretty and expensive enough to be suitable. As he had a couple of hours between jobs, Shindou went home to have lunch, and given how prominent it had been in his thoughts that day he was drawn to the drawer where he’d hidden the ring. He picked it out, opening the fancy jewellery box to gaze at it, wondering what Touya would say when he saw it.

Sighing to himself, Shindou put the box down on the table while he prepared lunch, and sat watching it shimmer in the light. It looked so tiny and dainty where it sat, lodged in a cushion of silk. Frowning slightly, Shindou wiped his hands and picked it out, holding it up. It was then a thought struck him, one that had not even touched the surface before then: would the ring fit Touya’s fingers? Horror struck by the thought, Shindou almost dropped the ring and fumbled to catch it. He couldn’t very well ask Touya to try it on if he wished for it to be a Christmas gift, so the only logical thing was to try it on himself.

Predictably, it only fit Shindou’s pinkie.

Panicking now over the suddenly glaringly obvious flaw in his plan for Christmas Eve, Shindou had no idea what to do. He didn't want to return the ring - while it had been expensive it would feel like returning an engagement ring, which was essentially what it was, and the mere thought made him queasy. With no other options available, he'd have to take the ring to a goldsmith and hope that they could fix it. That, and pray that Touya would actually like it considering how much money Shindou spent on it after an adjustment, too.

Shindou arrived at the next job slightly harried with the jewellery box in his pocket, with the intent to look around for a goldsmith in the area, and was slightly distracted during the formalities even if he managed to concentrate on his games. At the end of it when he was just about to leave, one of the older men that had hired him gave him a grandfatherly smile as he leaned in closer.

“Forgive me my straightforwardness, but are you perhaps about to propose to a pretty girl?” he asked at a conspiratory whisper. Shindou’s face turned scarlet faster than a light switch and he started stammering out words that didn’t quite make sense. How on Earth this man could know what was going on he had no idea, and it frightened him. Did the Go world already know about him and Touya? Had Nase talked? But the man smiled kindly to him, motioning towards him. “I have noticed your hand returning frequently to your pocket,” he said gently. Shindou swallowed and grit his teeth, pulling the box out. He’d not been aware that he’d been doing it, but had caught himself stroking the box absently now and then - it was soft, covered with some kind of velvet. Apparently it had been often enough to be noticable.

“I...I got a ring, but I think it’s...the wrong size,” he managed at a mumble, allowing the old man to pluck it from his palm. He opened it, looking at the ring with a nostalgic expression on his face before closing the box and returning it to Shindou’s hand.

“You need a goldsmith, then,” he said, bobbing his head in understanding. Shindou exhaled shakily, returning the box to his pocket. He’d figured that much out himself, but that was about it.

“Yeah,” he managed unhappily. “But I don’t know any.” The old man hummed thoughtfully.

“Will you please wait here for a few minutes?” he then asked with an air of a man with an idea. With no customer following up this one, Shindou shrugged and sighed, nodding. This was a customer after all, even if they were not currently discussing Go. He didn’t have to wait long, though, because the old man soon returned with a slip of paper for him.

“I think you will find, that this goldsmith should be worthy of your attention,” he said, holding the slip out to Shindou with both hands. He took it and read an address. It was in the outskirts of Tokyo rather in the popular shopping districts, much to Shindou’s dismay. For a moment he had entertained the idea that this would solve his problem.

“Thank you,” he said, offering up a smile although he wasn't sure whether it came off as genuine. “I will consider it.”

As he left, Shindou was glad he didn’t have any more customers or games, because his concentration was completely broken now. He felt worried and slightly stressed out, because there was only a week left for Christmas and not a lot of time. Even if the goldsmith was good, it would take him at least a couple of hours to get there and back and he was not sure he could spare the time. On the Metro, Shindou sat down on one of the benches, glowering at the address trying to make up his mind. He was so distracted he nearly missed his station, and got off in a huff just as the final notes of the station jingle went off. The doors closed behind him, leaving him alone. There was no one else there but the station guard, with his suit, hat and white gloves. Looking back, he saw the Metro disappear almost soundlessly, revealing a large commercial poster on the wall over the tracks.

“Just go for it,” Shindou read in large letters, staring at the text paying little heed to what the commercial was actually about. “I must be crazy,” he muttered to himself, letting out an exasperated sigh as he ran up the stairs to take the next train to the outskirts of Tokyo on a wild goose chase.

All because of a Christmas Eve he wanted to make special and a golden ring bearing a single rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who have never seen a ring get enlargened: they are usually put on a metal cone and carefully hammered down. This is likely what a goldsmith would do with the ring Shindou has bought. It is usually quite uncomplicated on a plain ring, but requires more skill with a more complicated design.


	19. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya calls to as Shindou if he would like to visit a Christmas market.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one. Work this week has been awful. :( I'm hoping the next week will be better and comforting myself with chocolate.

It was already fairly late when Shindou got back to Iidabashi that evening, with the adjusted ring in his pocket. He thought he'd made a fool of himself trying to explain to the goldsmith that the ring needed to fit his finger, but the ancient woman had been unfazed. She'd just bobbed her head, taken the ring and shuffled off to her work top. Unsure exactly what he was supposed to do and without further instructions, he'd followed her and watched her look the ring over. Then she'd quite suddenly requested his hand and measured his finger, before she went on to hammer the golden ring gently, measuring continuously until she seemed satisfied.

"Do you wish for me to engrave it?" Shindou had been taken completely by surprise by the question as she peered at him with eyes almost invisible among all the wrinkles. He hadn't even considered it.

"Uh, yeah, sure," he mumbled nervously. "W-what do people usually engrave in their rings?"

"It is usually quite personal," she'd said. "Dates, names. I think the most important thing is that it means something to the person who will wear it." Shindou licked his lips, nodding, before she pulled out a slip of paper for him to write on. It had taken her a bit of time to engrave, but she was certainly very skilful considering what a tiny area she had to work with. He didn't know if just any goldsmith could have done it.

Shindou had just stopped by a nearby restaurant to have a late dinner when his phone rang. As usual, it was Touya.

"Hey," he murmured by way of answer, sinking down in his seat as he motioned to the chef behind the counter what he wanted.

"Hello," Touya said, tone mild. He sounded slightly amused. "It's nothing important, but..."he started, pausing as if he had not quite prepared what to say. Shindou chuckled.

"Tell me anyway," he said, shrugging out of his coat.

"Well..."Touya paused again. "Hikaru, how would you feel about a Christmas market tomorrow evening?" Shindou was slightly startled by the question - both at Touya's sudden interest in Christmas and the fact that there even existed something like a Christmas market.

"A Christmas market?" he echoed. "Sure, we can go if you want to," he said and Touya gave out a relieved sigh.

"Thank you, Hikaru," he said happily. "I was not sure you would be able to or even want to."

"It's all right," Shindou shrugged, even though Touya couldn't see it. "What do you do at a Christmas market?" he asked curiously. "I don't think I've been to one."

"I...I haven't been to one, either, but I read a little about them," Touya confessed. "I was thinking about a market in Ebisu. I think they mostly have food, but... They...have a great Christmas tree there." Shindou smiled fondly, not very surprised that Touya would choose a market on that criteria considering his fascination with the tree at Disneyland.

"I'm sure it will be great," he said gently, nodding in thanks to the chef as he had his food put in front of him. "When do we meet up? Oh yeah, you wanted a tree, too, right?"

"Oh. Yes," Touya answered, sounding slightly nervous. "If it's okay? The market closes at eight..."

Once he was in the bath that evening, Shindou turned the idea of Christmas over in his head. It was a very Western thing ad quite closely connected to romance, so he'd never exactly bothered with it. He hadn't expected Touya to take to it like this, but he could sort of understand it. All those lights were mesmerizing and reminded him a lot of stars. It wasn't often - or everywhere for that matter - that you could see the stars in Tokyo. You needed to get out to a dark area for that and get out of the light pollution, so the strings of tiny lights was a clever way to imitate stars. He figured that what Touya really wanted was probably not so much the tree as the strings of light and that, he could definitely manage for him.


	20. Bell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou and Touya visit the Christmas market at Yebisu Garden Palace.

It was already dark by the time Shindou met Touya, just inside Ebisu station. There was a Christmas tree placed on the large compass star on the floor in the great hall, with strings of lights in the potted trees surrounding it. Touya was standing just by the bridge leading outside, gazing at the light lost in thought. He didn't notice Shindou until he was right beside him.

"You really do like Christmas trees, don't you?" he said, and despite the relative darkness he could see Touya blush furiously. He turned his eyes to the floor, looking very embarrassed.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't see you coming," he managed hastily, hands clutching the bag he was carrying. Shindou had never peeked into it, but he knew it at least usually held Touya's wallet, phone and a book. Shindou chuckled, offering his arm.

"It's fine. I know you like to watch the lights," he said quite tenderly. Touya still seemed rather embarrassed, but took his arm without protesting. He self-consciously pushed the bag onto his shoulder.

"Um, it's this way, I think," he mumbled, leading the way outside where a light snow was falling. Touya huddled closer to him in the dark, slowly starting to relax. "You don't think this is silly, do you?" he asked carefully after they had walked a few minutes in silence.

"Not really," Shindou said with a grin, meeting Touya's tentative gaze. "You know what they say. Experience things when you're young!" Touya considered this.

"I suppose that is true," he murmured thoughtfully. "I'm sorry. I'm worrying over nothing. It's just that...you wouldn't be here if I hadn't asked you."

"But you wouldn't have gone to Disneyland if I hadn't dragged you there," Shindou countered cheerfully. "And you seemed to enjoy it." This lured a smile from Touya.

"I did," he agreed. "I had no idea that's what Disneyland was like. It felt like I have missed out. But... I always played Go." He didn't sound melancholic as he said it, but his eyes grew slightly distant. "I guess...the trip to Disneyland is really why we are here right now."

"For the tree," Shindou said and Touya looked sheepish.

"I suppose so," he admitted. "I don't know why, but it just struck a chord. I didn't know it would be like that. I mean, I've seen Christmas trees before, but not like the one we saw that night." As they walked, they got closer to the Yebisu Garden Palace which was greatly illuminated by what would prove to be several thousand tiny lights. Every tree in sight was covered in lights, and as they got closer - passing a crystal chandelier that lit up the night, it was also clear that there was a great, sparkling Christmas tree filled with lights and baubles. As soon as Touya saw it from afar, Shindou couldn't help but smile. His gaze was fixed on the tree in the distance as they walked through a lane of starry trees until they finally reached the square that held the fair. The Christmas tree was at its heart, surrounded by curious spectators that milled about, photographing or queuing by the many booths nestled among more trees covered with tiny lights.

Touya stopped a little bit from the Christmas tree, gazing at it. While it was not quite as large as the tree from Disneyland, it was just as grand. You could barely see the trees for all the lights and decorations, emphasized by the slow snowfall that had already covered the ground in white.

"Is it everything you hoped for?" Shindou whispered after several minutes of silence, grinning like a fool but unable to help it. It brought Touya back to him from where he'd disappeared to. Slightly dazed, he gave Shindou a very gentle, pretty smile.

"It's beautiful," he said, glancing back at it. "Do you want anything from the booths?" They moved away from the tree and let the crowds pull them along like a mountain stream, going along the booths filled with merry Christmas decorations and food. While Touya seemed mostly satisfied with just watching the goods, Shindou was curious and sampled from most of them, eating some right away and bringing some with him. Although Touya claimed not to have a sweet tooth, he was quite easily tempted if Shindou stuck a delicacy in front of his face. They did, however, find a few places that sold Christmas decorations, too. Playful ornaments with gingerbread or nuts painted golden among the shiny glass orbs that were starting to become familiar. A sound at the last booth caught both of their attentions and they looked up.

"Bells," Touya murmured, gazing at the glass bells hanging from a faux pine tree branch. The tiny clappers made them ring gently in the breeze where they were suspended with ribbons, each painted with snowflakes and decorated bows of silk.

"Do you want one?" Shindou asked. "We can hang it in our tree." Touya glanced at him, barely able to contain his excitement. His eyes were wide, reflecting all the lights around them. He nodded wordlessly. Shindou smiled and waved to catch the clerks attention. Once the bell was paid for, Shindou gave it to Touya. He accepted it with both hands cupped as if it was made of precious hand blown Venetian glass.

"Thank you," he whispered, gazing at the bell the same way he'd looked at the tree before.

"It's nothing," Shindou murmured, reaching out to dust a few snowflakes out of Touya's hair. "I really don't mind if it makes you this happy." At that, Touya looked up and the expression on his face made Shindou's breath hitch.

"Hikaru," Touya breathed and Shindou swallowed, putting his hands around Touya's to curl them both around the bell. The first ornament for their Christmas tree.


	21. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou and Touya talk about subjects so far avoided.

That night, the snow started falling in earnest, and Shindou woke up freezing to a Tokyo covered in ankle deep snow - and the flurry of snow in the air was still heavy. Although there were plenty of people working hard all over the city to take care of the snow, it still made Shindou's already busy schedule slightly more complicated. Not the least because of floors wet and slippery from melted snow and a dampness that set in early in Shindou's suit was still there when he got home. Indoors it was also damp and cold, even after the AC had been running on high for a while. Shindou was sitting huddled with a blanket over his shoulders when Touya turned up with a late dinner, just as wet and shivering as Shindou had been. He was covered in snow, despite his best efforts to brush it off outside.

"Want me to put on a bath?" Shindou offered as he helped Touya get out of his coat without spreading snow everywhere. Touya shivered, sniffling slightly. He glanced at their dinner, standing in a white plastic bag on the small chest of drawers in Shindou's genkan. The steam had created water droplets on the inside of it. His shoulders drooped slightly as he ran his hand through hair that was wet.

"Please," he murmured, grimacing as he pulled the suit jacket off. "If only just to heat up. You can start eating without me if you are hungry." Although Shindou was hungry, he made a noncommittal shrug and went over to put the bath on before he hung Touya's jacket beside his own to dry. Touya followed him and as he turned, he found himself being hugged for warmth.

"You only had to ask," Shindou said tenderly, wrapping both his arms and the blanket around Touya, who pressed his face into the crook of Shindou's neck. Shindou kissed his temple, lightly running his hands up and down Touya's back. "Been a tough day?" Shindou asked after a while, when Touya's shivering had started to subside. "I think the bath is ready soon."

"Not really," Touya sighed, straightening out slightly. "I don't really mind the snow so much, but it does make getting around slightly tedious. That, and I dislike getting wet." He gave Shindou a slightly sheepish look as Shindou's hands settled on his waist.

"Maybe you should have worn a t-shirt under this," Shindou said, rubbing the fabric of Touya's shirt slightly. He smiled a little and nodded in agreement, before leaning forward to meet Shindou in a kiss. It was a slow, unhurried thing in contrast to the desperate, hungry kisses they had started out with but Shindou found he didn't mind the domesticity of it. It made him less nervous than it once had, even if his body reacted to the close proximity of Touya and the taste of him.

"I love you," Touya murmured as he pulled back, a hand coming up to gently caress Shindou's cheek. He craned his neck slightly to see the display for the bath, which indicated that the bath was ready.

"I'll wait for you," Shindou promised, squeezing Touya slightly before he let him go. "Do you want to borrow any clothes?"

"I might as well. These are damp," Touya said, making a small face. "Do you mind if I stay the night? The snow is falling heavily right now." Shindou snorted.

"Of course not, silly," he said with a big smile, trying to bump their foreheads together but missed slightly. Touya seemed a bit confused what he'd attempted to achieve and kissed his forehead instead, before pushing at Shindou's shoulders to straighten him up. After disentangling, Shindou picked out clean underwear and a spare pyjamas for Touya, before he disappeared into the bathroom. Shindou wandered into the kitchen to grab a senbei cracker to keep his blood sugar up for a little longer, while he wondered if his bed was big enough for two. Although he had a small studio apartment, he had brought the Western bed he'd had back home - right now it felt like he'd have done better ditching it and getting a futon instead. He wouldn't have known all this would happen, though, as he made the choice not to switch to a futon back when he'd moved. The bed had been a good transition from living with his parents to becoming a bachelor.

"Deep in thought?" Shindou jumped as Touya touched his cheek, having sidled up just beside him. Touya quickly withdrew the hand and Shindou covered his heart, gulping for breath. "I'm sorry," Touya smiled. "Apparently very deep."

"...yes," Shindou exhaled shakily. "I was regretting not having a futon," he motioned vaguely to the bed and Touya went 'oh'. Shindou drew a deep breath and wandered over to fetch the food, and put it down on the more Japanese styled low table. Touya sunk down by it, watching him with a curious expression on his face.

"I suppose a futon is more convenient when you have company," Touya said once they had managed to break into the takeout containers. "I had not considered it. We will have to..."he paused, his cheeks turning pink. "Sleep very close." Shindou blushed, too, nervously picking at his rice.

"Yeah," he agreed, wondering why he was so nervous about it considering they'd already been very intimate with each other before. On the other hand the nervousness could very well be because he hoped something would happen tonight, too. Apparently Touya was thinking along the same lines.

"You left these at my home," he said, placing the box of condoms on the table. Apparently he had brought it with him in his bag the whole day, something that made Shindou feel uncomfortably warm. "I took the liberty of leaving a few at my home, though. I hope that was all right?"

"Uh, yeah, of course," Shindou managed, suddenly not all very hungry anymore. At least not for food. "We, uh, might need them."

"I was hoping you would say that," Touya said, and Shindou looked up blushing furiously. He looked at Shindou with a fond expression on his face, chopsticks arrested mid air. It was then it struck Shindou that he was not the only one that wanted intimacy - Touya also wanted more after the other night. It was one of the reasons why he'd come here, despite the heavy snow.

_I want to be with you, too, darling._

Touya's words echoed in Shindou's mind, seeping off the embarrassment he felt. Only now did it strike him that Touya might have harboured some concerns whether he'd want to repeat the other day. He'd just been thinking about it - they hadn't actually talked about it. Feeling slightly guilty he reached across the table toward Touya, who started slightly and hurried to meet his hand. Shindou laced them together, holding Touya's gaze.

"I did like having sex with you," Shindou said, his throat constricting slightly. Touya's eyes went wide. "I thought you realised that." Although Touya had seemed laidback about it, colour flooded to his face. He swallowed several times.

"I..."he paused, glancing down at their hands and back. "I-I do admit I was...distracted..."he managed awkwardly. "B-but of course I realised that..."his voice dropped to a whisper. "That you were enjoying it. I-I just wasn't sure you wanted to do it again."

"Of course I want to do it again!" Shindou sputtered. "Why wouldn't I?" Touya, apparently had no good answer to that because stared at the table, blushing furiously. He just shook his head mutely as if to say that he didn't have a good answer to that. Sighing softly, Shindou rubbed his thumb over the back of Touya's before he pulled back. "I love you."

"I know," Touya murmured, finally glancing back up. The colour had started fading. "I love you, too. I'm still trying to comprehend all this. I'm sorry I'm so slow...you were always faster than me."

"Not always," Shindou observed, motioning toward the condoms. "It didn't take a lot of encouragement before those were used." Touya flushed briefly again at that, picking at his food.

"I...might have wanted to do that for a while," he mumbled embarrassedly. "I might have been slightly impatient." The confession made Shindou sit back, jaw slightly slack, which only served to make Touya flustered. "You have to understand, Hikaru. I-I've wanted this for a long time..."

"I do," Shindou murmured, Touya anxiously meeting his eyes. "I do understand."

"Do you, really?" Touya whispered looking rather unhappy. Shindou sighed in exasperation, throwing Touya into a fluster again. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair."

"No, not really," Shindou agreed. "Just put some faith in my, Akira. Isn't it enough to know that I love you? I told you, I just want to be with you. I meant it." Touya's face softened and he nodded gently.

"Yes," he said, his voice now tender instead of frustrated. "I know."


	22. Escalation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou makes an offhand joke that escalates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a warning: More intimacy in this chapter so if you're not into that, you might want to breeze through the last part of this. ;) It's nothing graphic, though.

After dinner they played a couple of games, any tension left from dinner gone by the time they prepared for the night. Shindou handed his toothbrush to the blushing Touya with the reminder that he'd already kissed him. Touya had been rather flustered, managing various 'yes, but' and stammered 'I know, but', but he still accepted the toothbrush and did brush his teeth, although he looked slightly uncomfortable doing so.

"Sooner or later I'll brush my teeth with that after something much worse than kissing," Shindou said in an off-hand way as he left the bathroom, but stopped as there was a clattering noise and a muffled curse. He swivelled around and watched a blushing Touya retrieve the toothbrush from the floor. He steadied himself against the bathroom sink, back strategically turned as he started rinsing his mouth. Raising his eyebrows, Shindou went out to get the bed ready, having the foresight to stick a couple of condoms under his pillow.

Touya had not quite recovered from his shock in the bathroom when he got back out, and was quite tentative as he got closer to Shindou and the bed. Shindou watched him silently but when Touya stopped out of range he beckoned him closer. Touya didn't protest, instead he stepped into his arms and hugged Shindou tightly.

"You're giving me rather mixed signals right now," Shindou murmured in his ear.

"I know," Touya murmured back, sounding a touch more desperate than Shindou had expected him to. Shindou released himself from Touya's grip and cupped his face with both hands. His eyes were uncertain and he had not quite relinquished his grip.

"What do you really want?" Shindou asked gently. Touya's face contorted at that and he squeezed his eyes shut, hands fisting Shindou's pyjamas.

"You," he whispered brightly. "I want you so much it frightens me." Shindou released him and Touya instantly surged forward to kiss him. It was messy and emotional and Shindou quickly found himself having any control wrenched from him as Touya all but ravaged him. Hands that had held onto his clothes moved up to grasp his head as Touya pushed against him, making him light headed. It didn't take long before he was achingly hard and Touya had pushed him all the way up to the bed and toppled them both over on it.

"Akira," Shindou managed breathlessly as Touya allowed him up for air.

"Say stop and I will," Touya managed, his voice dark, husky and so needy it gave Shindou goosebumps. He shook his head wordlessly and gasped as Touya quickly went on to push his pyjamas jacket up and kiss his way up his chest, pausing only briefly to lick a sensitive nipple making Shindou start. The hand not busy holding his jacket pawed at his groin, grazing over the hair on his belly until Touya moved all the way down. He looked up, locking his eyes to Shindou's, sending a jolt of pleasure through his system.

"Ah-Akira," he managed stupidly and Touya smiled, kissing his belly before he folded his fingers into the lining of Shindou's trousers and pulled. Quite shocked at this sudden onslaught, Shindou probably should have been prepared for Touya grasping him firmly. He probably also should have been prepared when Touya just simply enveloped the head with his lips and sucked. As it was, he was nowhere near prepared and gave out a strangled cry as he gripped the sides of the bed, already heavy breathing almost reaching the point of hyperventilation from sensory overload. He didn't know what to do with his feet and had to suppress the urge to clap his legs together. He also didn't dare look down because he knew that one look at Touya right now would be enough to topple him over. He was near tears by the time he finally came and just collapsed in a quivering, sweaty heap staring exhaustedly at the ceiling, panting. He was vaguely aware of Touya getting his trousers and underwear back up, but it was impossible to miss him as he draped himself over his side. His hand found Shindou's jaw and he gently tipped his face over. Shindou gazed at him, thinking that he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"Too intense?" Touya asked apologetically. Shindou just turned and wrapped his arm around him, pushing his face into the crook of Touya's neck, wondering how on Earth an offhand joke about a blowjob had resulted in this. Touya chuckled slightly and sighed, wrapping his free arm around Shindou, too. "Good night, darling," he murmured, pulling the cover up over both of them the best he could.


	23. Consent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou feels that he's finally starting to understand Touya's feelings a bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short follow-up on the previous chapter.

Shindou woke up the next morning when Touya slid out of bed. It was still dark out as he listened to Touya going to the bathroom. As he returned, he seemed to notice Shindou was awake because he smiled and went up to sit at the bed beside him.

"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry," he said gently, leaning over to kiss Shindou's forehead. He lightly ruffled his hair as Shindou sighed sleepily.

"Are you coming back to bed?" he asked, catching Touya's fingers to kiss them lightly.

"If you want me to," Touya said with a tender smile. "I fear I probably overstepped yesterday. I'm sorry about that, too. It just got too much. I hadn't meant to do anything..."

"I kind of understand why you did it," Shindou murmured, reaching out to pull Touya down on top of him. After some rearranging, Touya lay nestled against him again. "I think you were probably right saying that I didn't understand." He'd realised that when Touya had taken control the night before. He'd told him that he didn't understand what it felt like to have wanted something for so long and be forced to be patient. It had probably been nearing the boiling point for a while and then he'd stoked the flames by joking about.

"I... It still wasn't fair to say that," Touya mumbled in embarrassment.

"Maybe not, but I wasn't fair when I teased you, either," Shindou admitted. "You surprised me, but I didn't hate it. I just felt so much all at once, I had no idea it could feel like that. It was so intense."

"I've been trying to be patient," Touya said delicately. "It's hard. I just couldn't do it anymore."

"Yeah, I know," Shindou sighed, running a hand down Touya's side before it settled on his hip. "I'm not really asking you to hold back on me. But I'd like to have at least some kind of warning next time what you're up to."

"Of course," Touya said hastily, blushing furiously. "I-I really am sorry." Shindou chuckled.

"It's all right, I'm not angry with you," he said soothingly, hand coming up to pet Touya's blushing cheek. "It really was good. Also... If I had told you to stop, I think you would have."

"Yes," Touya agreed, leaning into the touch. "I would have. The moment you say no to me, I..."Shindou turned his head to silence him with a kiss.

"And the moment you tell me no, I'll stop, too," he murmured as they parted. Touya shivered but nodded, the hand on Shindou's chest coming up to his cheek.

"I don't think I ever have," Touya whispered. "And I doubt I ever will." They kissed slowly in the silent morning, the sun just about to start lighting up the sky outside. It was a far cry from the night before.


	24. Favours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou is realising that they are running short of time - and they still haven't got the tree he's promised Touya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapters of this has been written more or less in parallell to sew things together and I have been struggling a bit. Some of them will be short as they work as 'glue' to piece it together, like this one.

After a couple of hours spent mostly sleeping or sleepily cuddling - something Shindou felt he could easily get used to if it wasn't for the too narrow bed threatening to topple them over on the floor, they got up to have breakfast. Although Touya didn't complain, Shindou felt slightly bad for not having the means to make a Japanese breakfast.

"Bread is fine," Touya insisted. "I can always get something more filling on the way."

"Will you have time, though?" Shindou asked worriedly, getting up. "I can run down to FamilyMart..."Their schedules would be rather full now, perhaps with the exception of the evenings, and there wouldn't be all that much time between jobs. It was one of the inconvenient things about being both a professional Go player and a celebrity.

"No, honestly Hikaru, it's _fine_ ," Touya pressed. "And for goodness sake, sit _down_!" Feeling slightly like a naughty kid, Shindou obeyed with his ears hot.

"Uh, when will we get time to buy a tree and string lights?" he asked carefully and Touya frowned.

"I didn't think about that," he mumbled, looking rather unhappy. "I don't think I will have the time, especially not if I want to bake a decent cake." He sighed. "Will you have time?"

"No," Shindou grimaced. "Maybe if I find someplace that's open late, but... There just isn't time."

"I suppose that's true," Touya said slowly. "It can't be helped."

"You're disappointed," Shindou murmured and Touya glanced at him.

"A little bit, yes," he admitted, but Shindou could see on his face that this was something of an understatement. "It would have been nice but if there is no time, it can't be helped. We are very busy, after all."

"Maybe we can ask someone to get it for us?" Shindou suggested tentatively. Touya stalled by chewing on his bread - he seemed to weigh the importance of a tree and inconveniencing someone by asking them a favour. "I can ask my mom," Shindou supplied helpfully. "She won't mind."

"Are you sure?" Touya asked carefully and Shindou shrugged.

"She's a housewife," he said. "And she's already worrying about me living alone. She won't mind an excuse to come here and fuss." Touya nodded slowly, although he didn't look quite convinced.

"If she agrees, then that's fine," he said diplomatically. "My parents are out of the country again, I think, so the only people I could have asked would be Ashiwara-san or Ichikawa-san. I don't like asking Ichikawa-san favours, because I know she'll agree even if it inconveniences her just because I was the one to ask. I don't want her to feel used and taken for granted, even if she doesn't complain." Shindou paused and swallowed. Although he'd never consciously thought about it before, what Touya was saying was true for his own mother as well. He'd never thought about it in terms of taking her for granted, though. He was suddenly terrified that his mother felt he was using her and not saying anything.

"Maybe..."Shindou paused. "I'll ask mom. And if she minds, we can ask Ashiwara-san. Is that fine?" Touya looked slightly surprised but then smiled gently.

"Yes. That's fine," he agreed.


	25. Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou is realising how he has been taken his mother for granted and tries to change this.

The heavy snowfall from the day before had subsided that morning, but it snow had been piled up high on the sides of the pavements and the air was crisp even though it was not particularly far below freezing. Shindou decided to call his mother when he had a small break for lunch. There were several signals before she picked up.

 _"Hello? Shindou here,"_ she said as she picked up and Shindou felt a twinge of guilty conscience for calling so seldom.

"Hi mom," he said in an attempt to start out friendly. "How are you?"

 _"Oh, Hikaru! It's so rare of you to call,"_ she said in surprise, making him feel even worse. _"W-what...you are wondering how I am?"_ she repeated incredulously.

"Yeah," Shindou said awkwardly. "Of course I do. You're my mom." He could almost see her go boggle-eyed, and it didn't feel good. He really had taken his parents for granted. They'd always been there for him and allowed him to do pretty much whatever he wanted.

 _"Hikaru..._ "she murmured. _"I-I'm fine. It's quiet here since you moved out, even if you haven't been home much since you became a Go pro."_ Shindou allowed her to talk for a little while as he kept a careful look at his watch. Finally, he decided that he needed to ask her if she could help him.

"Are you very busy right now?" he asked in what he hoped to be an offhanded way.

 _"No, not yet. New Years is a bit off but I will need to start on the cleaning, soon,"_ she said. _"Do you need help with something?"_

"Just if you want. You don't have to," Shindou said. There was a pause.

 _"Just...if I want?"_ she asked in confusion. _"That's... Hikaru, are you all right?"_ Shindou blushed in shame, grimacing.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just...time to grow up a bit," he murmured. "And I don't want you to help me if you don't feel like it. It's nothing major, just a bit of shopping."

 _"O-okay,"_ his mother said uncertainly. _"Very well. What is it that you need, Hikaru?"_

"It's a small Christmas tree and some lights for it," he said gently. "I don't really know where to get one and I'm short on time before Christmas Eve, but like I said - only if you've got the time and feel like it."

 _"A...Christmas tree?"_ his mother echoed. _"Well that was unexpected,"_ she mumbled. _"I didn't know you took interest in Christmas, is this something new?"_

"Uh, yeah..."Shindou mumbled. "I...I'm dating someone and we'll celebrate Christmas Eve together..."he confessed quietly and heard her gasp.

 _"Oh, Hikaru, that's wonderful!"_ she said happily. _"Of course I will help you prepare your Christmas Eve date."_ Shindou wasn't sure whether he'd made a good or bad job at motivating his mother to help him because she wanted to and not because she felt obliged. In the end they had agreed that his mother would get him a small, artificial tree and a box of string lights and leave them at Shindou's apartment.

It was only on his way home the next day that it struck Shindou that he hadn't put away the box with condoms when he'd left - it had been standing on the table where Touya had left it. He prayed that his mother had left her purchases in the hall but had no such luck. He stepped into the living room to find the box with the small tree and a considerably smaller box with the lights, and a small note wishing him luck along with the recipe. Shindou stared at the note, before scanning the table. Although his mother had not mentioned it, the box definitely wasn't where he'd left it. Feeling ashamed and mortified that his mother had seen it, he called her to thank her for helping me out.

It was another thing he'd never done before and felt terrible now that he had realised how bad that looked.

 _"Oh really, Hikaru,"_ his mother said chidingly as he called, but she sounded happy. _"It was such a small favour."_

"You still had to take the train, though," Shindou insisted to which she agreed, but claimed it was only good for her to get out now and then. "Look, uh, I'm...I'm sorry I left things out that-that you shouldn't have had to see," he blurted, unable to make himself say 'condoms' to his mother. He wasn't sure exactly why, but it was just the thing you kept from mothers.

 _"What do you mean? Oh, the box,"_ she said, slightly awkward as she realised what he was talking about. _"It's okay, Hikaru. I'm happy that you are acting responsibly and use protection."_ Although she sounded slightly embarrassed saying it, the words were relieving to hear. Shindou exhaled, the tension in his shoulders letting go.

"Yeah, well, still shouldn't leave them out. Where did you put them?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair.

 _"In the bathroom cupboard,"_ she said, as if it would have been obvious. Now that she said it, Shindou realised that it probably was. _"Was the tree what you had in mind?"_ she diverted back to it, and Shindou sat down to have a closer look. It was a small, artificial pine tree that was less than a meter tall with realistic needles. The picture on the outside showed it lit up with ornaments, but the box said it only contained the tree.

"It looks great," he said, mostly just because he'd have felt bad saying anything else to her after the trouble she'd gone through. "I'm pretty sure it's what Akira had in mind."

 _"That's wonderful,"_ she said happily. _"I hope Akira-chan will be happy with it."_ Shindou blushed furiously as she called Touya 'Akira-chan', because it was so horribly ill-fitting. He briefly entertained the idea to call Touya that just to see his reaction and had to bite back the mad urge to start laughing.

"Yeah," he managed, but thought it came out a bit wobbly.

 _"You'll have to let us meet your sweetheart someday,"_ his mother added, completely oblivious to Shindou's held back laughter. _"Oh it really is wonderful to know that you are finally seeing someone!"_ As she said it, Shindou's laughter got stuck in his throat. He licked his lips, acutely aware that his mother was expecting a girl - and considering how excited she was about it she might get terribly disappointed when she realised that it wasn't.

"Yeah, of course," Shindou murmured, feeling slightly panicky. "Someday sounds good." They hung up after his mother had wished them a lovely Christmas Eve date and Shindou put his phone down, feeling quite upset. He put his face in his hands, eyes stinging, as he tried his very best not to think about the fact that he'd eventually have to 'come out' to his parents. It was one thing to say you'd go official or get married, and he had forbidden Nase to talk about it, but he'd never really understood exactly what it all entailed until now.

Everyone was expecting him to get a girlfriend, marry and have kids - but he'd derailed that plan the day he'd met Touya and now he couldn't think of anyone else he'd rather spend the rest of his life with. He hadn't even realised what the consequences would be on a greater scale when he'd accepted Touya's proposal and now it was starting to hit home. He was gay and head over heels in love with a boy - no, a young man, and he had been for years. His coming out had just been a matter of time.


	26. Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shindou brings the tree and lights to Touya.

Shindou stuffed the box with lights in the pocket of his coat and tucked the tree box under his arm as he made his way over to Touya's place. They'd agreed to celebrate Christmas Eve there, mostly because Touya's futon made a more comfortably bed for two. Shindou let himself in and found himself in an empty apartment, so he put the things down and made tea. Touya turned up some ten minutes later and had obviously done some grocery shopping.

"Thank you," he said with a smile as Shindou relieved him of his burden. "I won't have time to shop ingredients for the cake later so I had to do it tonight," he confessed, getting his coat off as Shindou started unpacking.

"Mom got us the tree," he said, motioning to the boxes in the living room. Touya's eyes instantly lit up and he made a beeline for it rather than helping Shindou. He chuckled as he put the last things away, returning to his cup of tea to watch Touya trying to figure out how to open the box without damaging it. Once he did get the tree out, he put it on the table and carefully read the leaflet that had come with the tree - which looked rather sorry in its currently squashed state.

"I think we can arrange the branches," Touya finally murmured, reaching out to try. Shindou sat with a big, goofy grin on his face as he watched Touya sort the branches out with great concentration. He looked more like he was working on a flower arrangement than straightening up a tree.

"It looks pretty realistic," Shindou observed when Touya backed away from the tree to observe the effect.

"It does," he agreed thoughtfully. "I think this will have to do. I don't want it to look too...designed. A tree is a living thing."

"That's true," Shindou agreed, although he couldn't say he'd thought much about it when it came to young trees. It was easier to imagine when you came across a great, gnarly tree that had lived for hundreds of years. "Where should we put it?"

"Oh, um," Touya cast about. "I don't know. At the edge of the table, maybe? We need to put the lights in, too." While Shindou moved the tree with some difficult, since he didn't know how to hold it, Touya got the box for the lights open. "Hikaru..."he said slowly, making Shindou turn around. He was holding the bundle of lights in one hand and turning a small sheet of paper in his hand. "There are no instructions. This is just a guarantee card." Shindou stared at him.

"Why would you need instructions for that?" he asked. "Don't you just, I don't know, plug it in?"

"Yes, but..."Touya looked very unhappy. "Shouldn't there be instructions how to hang the lights? We can't just...lay it over the branches, can we?" Shindou, who had never had a tree let alone put lights anywhere - not even the hedge outside their house, because his father considered it his job. He'd never really bothered to check how his father did it.

"I don't know," Shindou admitted. "But I mean, how hard can it be? Here," he held his hands out and Touya warily put the string lights in his hands. Shindou could almost feel Touya's disapproval as he just wound the lights around the tree and plugged the lights into the nearest outlet. The effect was instantaneous.

"Oh," Touya murmured, gazing at the tree. "So that's why they call it 'hang the lights'." Then, after a minute of silence he added 'you didn't hang them evenly, Hikaru...'. It took them nearly fifteen minute of rearranging until Touya was satisfied, and it was only once Hikaru let out a small growl in exasperation.

"I-I think that's good enough," Touya mumbled in embarrassment. "Just one more thing." He went off and returned almost at once, holding the glass bell with the frosted snowflake in his hands. Whatever annoyance Shindou had felt, melted away at the sight of it. He felt warm watching Touya carefully hang the bell in the tree, slightly anxious to let go of it. When he did, it made a sound not unlike a tiny furin. A gentle tinkle of glass.

As Touya stood still watching it, Shindou stepped up behind him and wrapped his arms around him, as they watched their very own Christmas tree together. It was just a small one with a single ornament, but it didn't matter - it was very much a symbol of what they had shared these past weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A furin is a wind bell often made of glass.


	27. Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before Christmas Eve and Touya is baking the sponge for the Christmas cake.

Shindou arrived very late at Touya's apartment the day before Christmas Eve - it was nearly nine and he was exhausted after a long day. He let himself in with his own key just in time to see Touya remove a sponge cake from the oven and put it on the worktop. He eyed it sceptically.

"Hello beautiful," Shindou said with a smile, taking in Touya's appearance. He was wearing an apron and had his hair in a ponytail, something Shindou had not seen him do before. It made his neck look slender and very white over the top of his black and white sweater. Touya turned pink.

"Hello handsome," he replied. "I got home too late so I won't be done for a little while," he added, motioning to the cake with a sigh. "I don't know about this..."Shindou got over to look, gently sliding his hand over Touya's narrow back.

"Is something wrong with it?" Shindou asked, as the cake looked like any ordinary sponge to him. Touya worried his lip.

"I don't know," he confessed. "Looks wise I'd say it's fine...but the batter was slightly lumpy and I don't know if I over mixed it." Shindou shrugged and kissed his temple.

"It'll probably taste great," he soothed. "But if you've got enough ingredients you can always try again if you're worried." Touya eyed the work bench where, it seemed, he'd just finished up the dishes. "I can wash up afterward." The sag in Touya's shoulders smoothed out.

"You could?" he asked disbelievingly.

"Of course," Shindou grinned. "Just go ahead. Make a mess. I'll clear it up. It's the least I can do, besides," he let his hand come up to Touya's neck and he grazed it with his fingers. Touya shuddered. "I get to see you in a ponytail for a while longer."

"You are impossible," Touya murmured, his cheeks flushed. "Just...let me work in peace here."

Although he had told Shindou off, Touya didn't seem to mind either the compliment nor being observed as he worked. He just looked over his shoulder now and then with a smile on his face, taking his time to whip up a second batter. Shindou found he really enjoyed watching him - it was peaceful, almost meditative, and he had no problem admitting that he liked the view.

"This is nice," he said gently after a while. "I think I could watch you bake cake all night. Not just because of the ponytail." Touya blushed slightly, but he seemed happy.

"You like seeing me in the kitchen," he said an now it was Shindou's time to blush. "I'm afraid it would be slightly difficult for me to make a good house wife while also being a professional Go player," he said, slightly distractedly as he pushed the new cake into the oven. "I don't know if it's more successful, but the batter was smoother this time." He pulled his apron off, folding it over his arm.

"Are you saying you'd want to be a house wife?" Shindou said carefully, since Touya had sounded a bit like it was a problem. Touya paused and frowned slightly.

"No. I don't think I could," he said slowly. "I think it will be very difficult for me to leave the Go world, but I think I would like to have a bit more spare time to take care of our home once we've moved."

"I guess maintaining a home when it's more than one person is a bit of work," Shindou observed. "We'll be a bit different since we're both guys." Touya licked his lips, turning his eyes on the apron.

"About that..."he said delicately and Shindou looked up, but Touya didn't meet his eyes. He seemed distant again, like always when he was thinking of something serious. "I've been thinking since we went to Disneyland. About what you said."

"Which bit?" Shindou said curiously and slightly concerned. He felt even more alarmed as Touya seemed pressured.

"About...how people would think I was a woman since I have long hair," he said, making Shindou even more confused. "How it isn't always a bad thing if strangers are mistaken."

"You mean pretending to be a woman?" Shindou said with a frown and Touya shook his head.

"Not exactly," he said, finally looking up. "But I've come to realise that I am rather androgynous. So if I just let my hair grow even longer I think it might make things easier for us. If strangers believe that I'm your wife." Shindou watched Touya and got up to get to him. He caressed his cheek, cupping his chin.

"I love you just the way you are. You don't have to change for me," he said gently and Touya smiled, shaking his head slightly.

"I know that, Hikaru," he said patiently. "But I like an easy life, too, and honestly... I've always been more similar to my mother than my father, despite everything." He sighed. "Either way, would you mind if I grew my hair long and wore more female cuts on my clothes when we are not working?" Shindou couldn't help smiling.

"I just told you that I love you just the way you are. Of course I won't mind if that's what you want." It was the right thing to say, because Touya looked very happy. He smiled brilliantly and put his hand on Shindou's cheek.

"Thank you," he said tenderly. "Will you wash up, darling?"

As Shindou took care of the dishes, Touya prepared the futon for the night and put on a bath. Shindou couldn't help thinking about what Touya had said about being more like his mother. He'd only met her once, but despite Touya bearing a striking resemblance to her looks wise she had seemed very timid. Although Touya was calmer now, he was still prone to what Shindou would call 'mood swings'. He wasn't sure exactly what brought them on if being timid was his natural state. Glancing back at Touya, who was taking out his pyjamas, Shindou wondered if Touya was unhappy when his temper flared. They'd never really talked about it but as Shindou thought more about it, he wondered if it wasn't just a case of poor self-confidence. It was one think to be brave over the Go board - another entirely to handle social situations and if there was one thing he knew for sure, it was that Touya was really very socially awkward.

Shindou was just finishing up when the timer went off for the cake, and Touya brought it out. He looked it over, comparing it to the first try.

"I think it rose more," he observed and Shindou had to agree. "Very well. I need this to cool before we can go to bed." He carried it over to the window and opened it ajar. Shindou shivered in the cold, damp wind that swept through the room.

"I guess that's one way," he said and Touya gave him an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to put a hot cake in the fridge so there isn't many options left," he said, running his fingers through Shindou's hair before he met him in a kiss. "I'm going to wash rice for tomorrow's breakfast. Do you think you could help me with a little bit of wash-up once I get out of the bath? I'd like to put the cake together before we go to bed."

"That sounds like a lot of work," Shindou observed. Touya looked slightly uncertain, pouring rice into a bowl.

"Maybe. I won't do the whipped cream and decorations yet, though, just the filling and wet it with syrup," he murmured as he washed the rice. Shindou gently stroked his back.

"You look tired, though," he murmured and Touya sighed.

"I am. It's been a long day," he agreed, leaning back against Shindou. He was warm as Shindou wrapped his arms around him. "But I'm glad you're here with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are canon illustrations made of an older Touya Akira with something that resembles a hime cut with very long hair - a typically female hairstyle - and illustrations shortly after the end of the manga where he has grown his hair to shoulder length and is wearing clothes you'd normally expect of a woman. Because of that I wanted to integrate this transition into the story with a possible explanation why Touya went on from shoulder length to grow his hair very long.
> 
> In Japan a man dressed as a woman would usually count as one, which makes it easier for gay couples to blend in if one of them at least looks like the female counterpart. Being from a traditional family this is most likely how Touya would think to solve the problem of unwanted attention.


	28. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve morning cuddles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I have angsted SO much over the last pieces of this fic... I'm so sorry it took so long, but I wanted the finish to be good and satisfying, and work really didn't make creativity easy. 
> 
> This is a short piece I cut off the next chapter, but all three last chapters will be posted at the same time.

Usually, Christmas Eve was just another workday for Shindou and Touya, but once they had made the decision to make it special they had made arrangements to get the day as free from work as possible. While they had not been able to dodge everything, it did mean that there was no alarm on and nothing much prompting them to get out of bed the next morning. As a result, they ended up cuddling once Shindou woke up. Touya trailed his face with light fingertips, smiling with a light-hearted giggle as Shindou answered by kissing the tip of his nose.

"Are you hungry?" Touya asked after they'd nearly fallen asleep again and Shindou's belly gave off an impatient rumble.

"I suppose so," he admitted, but made no attempt to get up. "I like it here, though," he said, pulling Touya on top of him. He laughed lightly, putting his hand down on Shindou's chest as he straddled him.

"I'm getting slightly hungry myself, too," he smiled, leaning down for a kiss. Shindou let his hands roam, finally settling on Touya's hips. He was wearing a flannel pyjamas this time, which was quite a lot more practical given the nightly chill. The AC was humming merrily warming the room now, though, and had done so the past hour or so. It was nearing the point of cosy.

"I suppose we should get you something to eat, then," Shindou murmured against Touya's lips, huffing slightly as he dropped down to lie on top of him instead, placing little kisses on Shindou's jaw. He cradled him against him.

"I got salmon instead of mackerel for breakfast," Touya said, snuggling against him. "I figured we could have something extra nice today."

"Did you get mochi for the miso soup, too?" Shindou asked, suddenly quite a lot hungrier than before.

"Of course," Touya smiled widely. "We can grill it." Heart swelling in his chest, Shindou squeezed Touya.

"I love you so much," he said, making Touya laugh.


	29. Look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Eve and Shindou and Touya have a shower before work. He admits he wants Shindou to look at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's some sexual content in this chapter. If this is not your cup of tea, please skip the shower scene.

"I need a shower," Shindou sighed once their luxury breakfast was finished, leaning back on his hands. The food had been every bit as good as he'd hoped for - mochi in miso soup really was the perfect winter food.

"Me too," Touya nodded, gathering the plates and bowls to carry them to the kitchen. "Do you..."he paused, turning pink. Shindou raised his eyebrows which only served to make Touya flustered. "Do you want to shower together?" Shindou's immediate thought was whether the bath would fit two people standing in it, the second that he didn't really care.

"Sure," he agreed, hoping to sound more casual than he felt. "We'll have to stand very close, though," he pointed out with a smile, Touya's blush returning.

"I know," he breathed, more or less fleeing into the kitchen, leaving Shindou to wonder what exactly Touya had planned this time. The mere thought that there _was_ an ulterior motive was enough to make him feel slightly hot. It was not immediately clear what Touya's intentions were once they started dressing down, but Shindou - whose eyes seemed magnetically drawn there these days, was quick to notice that he was slightly aroused before they had even done anything. He lightly caressed Touya's back as he stepped into the bath, and received a little coy look over his shoulder by way of answer.

Once they had managed to get into the bath, Touya turned the shower head on over their heads, before he leaned in to slide his arms around Shindou's neck. He sighed, letting himself melt into the kiss as the full length of their bodies met under the warm spray.

"I thought we were going to shower," Shindou murmured smilingly against Touya's lips, rubbing teasingly against him making him gasp.

"I don't hear you complain," he muttered back, moving down to suck lightly at the tendons in Shindou's neck. He shuddered slightly, hands running down Touya's bare, wet back.

"Of course not," he managed distractedly, eyes rolling back as Touya's warm hand glanced over his dick, fuelling his arousal even further. "I guess this counts as foreplay," he said playfully, running his hands over Touya's buttocks. He laughed lightly but it turned into something more similar to a moan.

"We haven't really done that before, have we?" he whispered, running his hands over Shindou's shoulders before landing at his biceps.

"I guess not," Shindou agreed, slightly fuzzy on the concept but more than willing to try it out. They kept kissing and caressing each other until a very aroused, flushing Touya turned around and pressed back against Shindou. He stilled, breath catching in his throat as his dick was trapped against Touya's bottom, reminding him all too well an activity that a lot of people would expect from gay men. Would Touya want that? Torn between fear and excitement, Shindou gently put his arms around Touya's chest and kissed his neck.

"What are you up to?" he whispered in his ear, feeling Touya smile. He then sucked in a breath as Touya's hand found his dick, pushing it down slightly to slide it between his thighs. As he squeezed his legs together around it, Shindou spasmed, the arms around Touya's chest unconsciously gripping him harder. This was definitely not what Shindou had expected - it was much, much better, his whole body on fire.

"That good?" Touya breathed, his voice dripping with pleasure. Shindou shivered and nodded, releasing his grip slightly. His hips wanted desperately to move, the tiny friction the involuntary movements that meant driving him mad.

"C-can I move?" he managed shakily and was answered with a light laughter.

"Go ahead," Touya said in obvious amusement, and Shindou saw his hand snake down to paw at himself, tugging lightly at the foreskin to expose his glistening head. Shindou stared at it, his mouth filling with saliva. Barely in control of his faculties any more, he experimentally started thrusting, Touya clamping down even harder on him as he started moving. It was enough to short-circuit his brain. Shindou pressed his face into Touya's shoulder, focusing just enough to stay lodged between those creamy, wiry thighs. He pulled back too much twice but quickly got back, groggily watching Touya masturbate, his panting and moaning in his ear like a drug. Touya was the one to tense first, but as he came into his own hand, continuing to work himself through it, Shindou was unable to handle anymore. He came, the movement dislodging him until the head of his dick was nestled against Touya's sensitive balls making him gasp and keen as he pressed back.

"So this is what Christmas is like," Touya murmured, breathing heavy and voice thick. Shindou snorted beside himself and laughed, kissing Touya's neck.

"I'd like Christmas to be every day then," he giggled, pulling Touya with him. They laughed rather helplessly as their arousals faded, just enjoying each other's closeness and the warm drizzle from the shower.

"Maybe we should actually shower now," Shindou finally suggested. "I have no idea what time it is."

"Maybe, yes," Touya agreed, letting out a slow, content sigh. "I just can't find myself caring about time right now, but you're right...we have work to do. Both of us." He gently released himself from Shindou's embrace and turned around, meeting him in a kiss.

After they got out from the bathroom, Shindou sadly confirmed that they were indeed running short on time even if they were not late yet, and he regretted not being able to follow up the shower sex with some more cuddling. Touya had a game to attend to and he had work down at the TV Studios.

"You need a tie if you are going to record a lecture for NHK," Touya said as Shindou himself thought he was ready to go, and he found himself having his tie put on by Touya. He watched him as he tied it with eyes that were soft, and as he smoothed it down Shindou cupped his chin tilting his face up. Touya's eyes met his expectantly.

"You are so beautiful, do you know that?" he whispered, Touya's eyes closed at the words and his whole face turned pink, breath hitching. Shindou could feel him shiver as a tiny furrow appeared between his eyes and as they opened a sliver and his hands came up to grasp weakly at Shindou's arms.

"You'll be late," he whispered, his voice very vulnerable. Shindou nodded, sighing slightly before he released Touya, kissing him tenderly before he moved to put his shoes on. Touya lingered in the doorway, one arm across his chest as he watched him silently. Once Shindou had gotten his outer wear and his backpack on, he turned back to him.

"Well, I'm off. I'll be gone for a few hours-" he started, but cut himself off at the look on Touya's face. His eyes were shining and there was a mild, happy smile on his lips.

"Take care, Hikaru. And...thank you," he said softly. "For calling me beautiful..."

\---

Shindou stomped the snow from his boots off before he went upstairs, running his fingers through his hair wishing the studio had left it alone before the recording. He was determined to wash the wax out first thing when he got into the hall, where his plan was halted rather abruptly. Touya had already returned and greeted him with a smile and a small towel.

"Welcome home," he said as he held the towel out to Shindou to wipe off excess snow from his clothes. "Did the recording go well?" Shindou was just about to answer him, but cut himself off, staring.

"You've got a ponytail," he managed stupidly instead and Touya's cheeks went pink. He turned his gaze to his feet, one hand coming up to finger at his hair drawn up at his neck.

"You said you liked it," he mumbled embarrassedly. "I thought maybe you'd like it even if I wasn't baking..."

"Yeah, of course I do!" Shindou managed hurriedly, before Touya could get into his head that he only liked him with his hair up when he was doing chores. "Your neck is...uh...I-I mean..."he faltered, completely losing his track as Touya looked up from the floor, his eyes as intense as ever.

"My neck is attractive?" Touya filled in helpfully, although he sounded quite sceptical. Shindou's own neck burned.

"Yes," he admitted. "It's sexy," he added, even more reluctantly. It seemed to be enough for Touya though, because he looked quite satisfied.

"I made tea," he said happily, retreating back to the living room as Shindou finally had enough presence to get his outer wear off and stumbled after him.

"It's not weird, is it?" Shindou asked tentatively as he sat down, but Touya just shook his head.

"Not at all. I was not aware that you found the neck attractive, but I am flattered that you think I have an attractive neck. I suppose I shouldn't be very surprised though, considering I used to have my hair cut considerably shorter before." Now considerably more embarrassed, Shindou was forced to acknowledge that this might be true. Touya used to have his hair cut short enough to graze the shirt collar.

"You didn't show your neck often back then, though," he mused, eyeing the boat neck knit Touya was currently wearing. It was quite flattering since it showed not only his neck but also his collarbones.

"I suppose that is true," he agreed thoughtfully. "I will have to remedy it when I am not working. I think I will still have to wear a suit then." Shindou fell silent at that, watching Touya drink his tea. He reached out to tenderly tuck a strand of hair that had escaped the ponytail behind his ear and Touya stilled.

"You don't have to change to please me," Shindou murmured. "Sure, I think it's sexy, but you can wear whatever you like when we're free." Touya considered this, then finally nodded.

"Of course," he agreed. "But...sometimes I might just want..."he paused, sighing, and turned his eyes back on Shindou. "Sometimes I want to be looked at that way. Is that fine?" Shindou smiled and leaned over, placing a kiss at Touya's neck making him shiver slightly.

"Of course it is," he murmured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The neck (or nape) is traditionally considered attractive in Japan, which is one of the reasons why a kimono is pulled down at the back to expose the neck, so Shindou's fascination with Touya's neck wouldn't be all that suprising if he was exposed to it. ^.~


	30. Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is time for Shindou to present Touya with the ring.

"I... I suppose it's time for cake," Touya announced once the dishes from their dinner were drying and he had made them the evening thermos with tea. He glanced rather anxiously at Shindou. "It's not perfect," he started worriedly. "But as it was my first real try, I-" Shindou caught him by the waist and kissed his nose, silencing him.

"I don't care. I'd rather eat an ugly cake made by you than something from a bakery." Touya stared at him.

"You..."he shut his mouth, blushing. He shook his head with a small laugh, rubbing at his temple. "You really have changed. I don't think Shindou from a year ago would have been of that opinion."

"Maybe not out loud," Shindou confessed sheepishly. "But secretly I'd probably have been slightly too excited." The thought made Touya giggle and Shindou caught his chin to kiss him. As they parted, Touya pushed lightly at him.

"Go sit down, Hikaru," he said smilingly. "And bring this with you." He put two small plates, a knife and cake forks in Shindou's hands before ushering him toward the table. As he sat down and watched Touya carefully and - under much concentration, carry the cake, Shindou was reminded of his decision to give Touya the ring when the cake was brought out. He licked his lips as Touya put the cake on the table and breathed a sigh of relief.

"I didn't drop it," he muttered under his breath and sunk down beside Shindou. The cake wasn't perfect - it was quite obvious that Touya had never piped cream before, but there were strawberries dusted with icing sugar that looked very pretty.

"I think it looks great," Shindou murmured, getting a sceptical look from Touya. "It does," he pressed and, hand closing around the jewellery box in his pocket. He drew a deep breath, exhaling slowly drawing Touya's attention.

"Are you okay?" he asked in mild concern. Shindou nodded, licking his lips.

"I have a gift for you," he blurted, startling Touya. He sat back looking surprised - he'd clearly been expecting to cut cake rather than this. "Could you, um, stand up for me?"

"Okay," Touya seemed very confused but obediently got to his feet, Shindou following until they were standing facing each other. Shindou swallowed hard and pulled the box out, clutching it. He could instantly see the realisation in Touya's eyes upon seeing the box. He was torn between shock and excitement but didn't say anything, letting his arms hang limp, eyes dark and intense.

"I-I saw this and thought of you," Shindou managed lamely. He'd probably thought of a hundred different ways to do this before now, but he'd never felt more unprepared now that he'd started. "You don't have to wear it if you don't want to but...I-I sort of...want it to be a symbol for how much you mean to me." Shindou looked up meeting Touya's eyes and wasn't sure he was breathing, he was standing so still with eyes that were now glazed as they were brimming with tears. It nearly made Shindou lose his thread. "It's-it's a few years before we can really get married but I..."he swallowed hard and very gingerly got to one knee, opening the box. Touya gave a forceful shiver and drew a sharp breath, losing the battle. Tears ran silently down his cheeks as he gazed down on Shindou, who fumbled as he got the ring out of the box. He reached out to take Touya's unresisting hand in his, feeling it quiver as he gingerly slid the ring onto his finger. Relief washed over Shindou as the ring reached Touya's knuckle: it fit perfectly.

Slightly wobbly now, Shindou got on his feet, watching Touya hold his hand up to gaze at the ring in disbelieving wonder, tears still running down his face. Shindou watched him apprehensively, again very worried that Touya wouldn't like it since it was originally intended for a girl. Then Touya silently stepped forward, putting his arms around Shindou's neck. As he pressed his face against Shindou's neck he sobbed, making Shindou feel very uncertain. He wrapped his arms around Touya's chest, wondering silently what exactly was going through his head. Up till now, he'd been convinced Touya was crying happy tears but right now he no longer felt so sure. His whole body was tense, spasming as he sobbed.

"Thank you," Touya finally managed in a choked whisper, relief overtaking Shindou so powerfully that he nearly started crying himself. He gently caressed Touya's back, sighing softly. It was a few minutes before Touya managed to get hold of himself and pulled back, meeting Shindou in a kiss that tasted salty. "I'm all right," he whispered as they parted. "Just...overwhelmed. I love you."

"I love you, too," Shindou murmured, glancing down at Touya's hand. He brought it up between them, holding the ring up to the light. It reflected rainbow patterns on the walls.

"It's very pretty," Touya said, slightly hoarse from crying. "I don't think I've seen gold this colour before..."he paused, looking uncertain. "Because it is gold, isn't it?" Shindou nodded.

"Yeah, it's rose gold," he said, catching Touya's fingers. "Set with diamonds." Touya gasped and stared at him and Shindou felt his ears go red. He looked uncertainly at him and Touya's eyes were wide. He mouthed something wordlessly, but Shindou couldn't tell what it was. "Cake?" Shindou asked once the silence had stretched too long, helping the now light headed Touya sit down. He still seemed to be reeling as Shindou cut him a slice of cake, accidentally toppling over a strawberry, and poured him tea. Only then did Touya seem to return to his senses.

"I will have to get you a ring, too," Touya said with unexpected softness, fingers gently caressing Shindou's cheek before he picked up his fork. "Something that matches this ring, but I suppose you would like something less feminine." Shindou blushed.

"Yeah, I think so," he admitted. Although he had tried the ring on once, it really wasn't his style. "It isn't too feminine, is it?" he added worriedly and Touya smiled, shaking his head. He curled his fingers, looking at the ring.

"No," he said with warmth. "It's not too feminine. I will wear it," he added, sighing quite happily. "I suppose this marks our official engagement. A symbol, like you said."

"Yeah," Shindou agreed, something swelling in his chest. Even though they had talked about it as an engagement before this, only now did it feel like they actually had gotten engaged. Touya was wearing the ring he'd gifted him and would be wearing it for everyone to see. At least that was what Shindou thought he'd meant by 'I will wear it'. Although Shindou had told him that he didn't need to, it meant a lot to him to hear that he would. "I guess we'd better start planning for a move next year. Since I'm here all the time, I mean..."Touya smiled.

"I suppose that is true," he agreed. "Do you want an apartment or a house? I wouldn't mind a small garden," he went on, and the discussion went from expensive rings to how much space they would need for their new home. Although Shindou grew up in a modern, two storey house they had never had much in way of a garden - and the most complicated plant he'd ever taken care of was a cactus. Touya, on the other hand, had grown up in a large one storey house with a very Japanese garden that had been maintained by a company specialising in them. They couldn't have come from any more different garden backgrounds, so they had to settle on something in the middle.

"We won't afford a large house for a while and I'm not sure I want one, either," Touya said after some thought. "It's too much work maintaining."

"More of a family home with a garden patch, then?" Shindou mused, scraping off the last of a third piece of cake from his plate. Touya watched him, a smile playing on his lips.

"I'm happy you enjoyed the cake," he said with eyes that were sparkling.

"Well, it was made by my favourite person," Shindou said, sticking his tongue out. "I won't mind more cake in the future." Touya snorted.

"It was rather stressful to make it this time," he admitted. "But it was for a very special occasion so I think it might be more enjoyable if I didn't have a deadline." Shindou lightly bumped his arm.

"You don't have to bake me anything," he murmured. "Even if I _do_ like your cake."

"I know," Touya sighed. "I think I would like to, though. If nothing else I can always practice for next Christmas." The idea of another Christmas next year made Shindou strangely happy, even though he'd never been much for celebrating anything. He usually enjoyed New year's though, even if he usually kept his head down during the cleaning.

During the evening Touya's eyes kept going back to the ring, which made Shindou very happy considering how much it had been on his mind since he'd got it. They eventually just sat talking in the light from the Christmas tree until it was nearly ten.

"I guess it's time for a bath before bed," Shindou said, stretching and yawning. "You can go first if you want to," he offered as he wandered off to turn the bath on.

"I wouldn't mind," Touya agreed, starting to clear up the table. They had not quite finished the cake, so he put the last pieces of it on plates and covered them. "We'll have dessert for tomorrow even if it was a small cake."

"I'm not complaining," Shindou grinned, pouring himself a last cup of tea. "I guess it's not a good breakfast," he mused and Touya rolled his eyes at him while preparing for his bath.

"Will you prepare for bed while I'm in the bath?" he asked, pulling out two clean bath towels for them. "I'd like to go straight to bed once I'm done. It's been two very long days. I enjoyed today," he added gently, kissing Shindou in passing. "But it has been a lot."

Shindou was just laying out the futon for them when there was a bang of the bathroom door hitting the wall beside it. He stood up just in time to nearly get bowled over by a flushed Touya in just his underwear, kissing him fiercely. When Touya finally let him up for air, Shindou felt light headed and his knees were jelly. He gazed at Touya, who gave him a brilliant, rather wet smile.

"I saw the engraving when I took the ring off," he managed breathlessly, grasping Shindou's head to kiss him again. Sighing against his lips, Shindou let his knees give way and they tumbled back on the futon. The bath could wait.

The engraving on Touya's ring held the date of that fateful ride on Shinkansen, along with 神の一手.

The Hand of God.

_Kuwabara-Honinbo once said that one Go player could never achieve the Hand of God on his own. It would take two equally gifted players to come together. He could never have known just how right he would turn out to be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The concept of the 'Hand of God' (Kami no Itte) or Divine Move as it's been translated in Hikaru no Go is very relevant in the story of Shindou and Touya. While it literally means 'a god's hand', a 'hand' in this case means a move in Go and it refers to a "move that is so unexpected, so brilliant and so creative that it seems like it would be a move only god can make, changing the flow of the game completely with a single move." (From Sensei's Library). The god in question being the god of Go, one of many gods or spirits in Japanese culture.
> 
> There is of course many reasons why Shindou would engrave this in a ring, but one would be that by proposing to him Touya has indeed made an unexpected, brilliant move that has completely changed everything for the two of them.
> 
> An epilogue is available here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28339845


End file.
